Preventive maintenance is a great principle to embrace within marriage! Maintain a point of excellence by making your marriage a priority! Plan and do exciting things together you both enjoy! Continue to nurture an environment where love and respect flourish! Appreciate the time you have together!
Check your attitude often! Instead of letting your marriage become a constant battle ground, really embrace the principles of God’s love! Instead of embracing the old cliché “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me…” Know that they do! Please, don’t just haphazardly say any and everything… Be considerate. Be open, transparent and honest! Having a good argument from time to time is good for both of you! But remain sensitive to one another! Disagreeing does not mean that you disapprove of the person! You just don’t see eye to eye on a particular point!
Life is not always positive in the sense that everything goes just how you or I may want it to go! There are and will be some times when saying what may be considered as negative can be very beneficial! It is how, when and why you say it that matters most! All too often denial is welcomed and no one wants to address the obvious! Many allow years to pass and not address important issues… Sweeping issues under the rug results in ineffective communication! The issues instead become part of the current relational dynamics when they linger in the background unaddressed! An honest constructive disagreement gives you time to vent your opinions…
We need to become open to having healthy dialogue! Saying what each other might not want to hear is not often received as edifying! Guess what if there were no negative there would be no positive! Your spouse may not feel good about hearing the Truth! However it is important to share how you are feeling! When your intent is to build them up so you both can grow and mature it reinforces a healthy bond! You entrust who you are to one another! Dealing with the Truth is imperative! Each spouse should want the other to continuously move towards maturity! So learn to “Speak the Truth in Love!”
What happens when you do not agree? Be willing to take responsibility for your actions! Surrender your ego… Never let pride stop you from saying you are sorry when wrong! Balance is always key to building a healthy marriage!
The Word teaches us “that death and life are in the power of the tongue and he that eats of it will eat its fruit!” Proverbs 18. Keep in mind that you can emotionally damage a person with your tongue! So begin to be a better steward of your mouth! There are millions of words to choose from to express yourself so please begin to think before you speak! Learn to discipline yourself and choose your words wisely! Some say it doesn’t matter because he or she is my spouse and… I think because it is your spouse it should matter even moreso. Learn to welcome and embrace true LOVE!
Why most marriages don’t last?
Make building a compassionate strong loving marriage a priority
You are considering getting married. Wow how exciting! Many marriages in this 21st century don’t last. A few things to think about.
Please don’t go into the marriage thinking that you will be able to change each other. There are many resources available when planning your big day. For those of you who have never been married before, you must allow for a period of adjustment once married. Living with someone is not the same as dating or being married. You have not really made a total commitment and you realize that you can opt out at any time…
After the honeymoon period is remain patient. When you hit a kink see this as an opportunity to take your marriage to a deeper level. It is during this time you need to work together rather than pull farther apart. MAKE it a point to keep you marriage exciting.
A great marriage takes two committed spouses
If you have not married; please do not manipulate your potential spouse into a relationship. If you do it will be an ongoing dynamic in your relationship. You should genuinely care for this person and desire to grow together. You want to encourage transparency in order to build a strong secure marriage. Before marrying really have some candid and open discussion as to how you would like things to be in order to see if you are on the same page! Don’t just assume?
It is a good to find out more about what each other likes and dislikes. Are you a morning person? Do you sleep with socks on? Do you snore? Are you patient? Do you yell scream and cuss to get your way? Do you rant and rave or manipulate? Or do you sulk and stay quiet, remote cold and inexpressive? Do you think that you should have everything that you want when you want it? Do you want your spouse to do everything for you and be waited on hand and foot and you do very little in return yourself? Or do you like to talk things through… Do you quit when the going gets tough?
It is the seemingly little things that add up and lead to arguments. It is easier for some to say how they feel when they are angry. Learn to be open and honestly discuss how you are feeling. Don’t make sorry a sorry word. Chill out and warm up to one another. It really is better to say “I am hurting.” Don’t let pride and insecurity dominate your marriage. How else will you settle your disputes if you do not take the time to responsibly communicate with each other? Wait until you have cooled off or can talk without being hostile. Please do not think that by not talking about issues they will go away; they won’t!
A great marriage will last for a lifetime
Now that we have discussed some of the not so good things we can move towards what it takes to build a better marriage. You sit down at work and discuss whatever the problem is, right! Why? Because work is a priority and you do not just opt out of your job when things are not going your way! It is important that you like and respect one another in marriage even more so! Why? Because you say you love this person!
You love them enough to get to know them better. You like them enough to care about their well-being. You care enough to develop loyalty in your marriage. Make sure to have a weekly marriage date. This does not mean you have to always go somewhere. It could just be a quiet relaxed evening committed to spending quality time together It is important not to lose sight of this or you will just take one another for granted and improving the marriage will no longer be a one of your top priorities.
Make your marriage a priority
Life is about priorities. Take time out to tend to the people and things that are important to you! Marriage is the ultimate relationship between a man and a woman. If your marriage is going to last you have to make a conscious effort to work at it. Keep the embers of love burning to keep it exciting. Do interesting and adventurous things together!
You want to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship between you as well. Coming together physically as one should be a special . This is a time of sharing and caring. A time to experience a time of euphoria together. You can experience unity when you freely give of yourselves to one another. Create a loving environment. You keep the embers burning by being affectionate and caring towards one another.
Each couple is different so together build what works for you. It is okay to have your physical needs met so there’s no reason to be ashamed. Take time to focus on one another s physical needs. How often or few or when is between the two of you. The marriage bed is honorable in the eyes of the Lord.
Take care of your marriage
Tend your marriage as you would a lovely well kept garden. Make your marriage a top priority. Take care and tend it as you do everything else that is important in your life. Take a look around your home it is a reflection of how you feel. For example; If you leave your clothes lying all over the place and hang them up whenever you want to guess what? If you are selfish and insensitive and don’t really care what happens, guess what? Be attentive, respectful and thoughtful towards one another.
Preventive maintenance is the key. Each marriage is different and each marriage is what you both make it. If you want to make it better and if you want to improve start improving you! Stop neglecting yourself and only fixing yourself up for everyone else or when you go to work, go out or attend worship. Men are visual and so are women. Change for the better not the worst! Do you take care of yourself like you did when you were dating? We are older; no! Still no excuse. Age like a fine antique. Or do you just throw yourself together now because after all you are married to him or her so what! You should take care of your self to the degree you did when you came together or better. Strive to become the “BEST YOU” at any age.
Marriage can be a wonderful experience of growing with the one you love it can lasts for a lifetime. When you truly invest yourself in your marriage it becomes a priority. Keep GOD as the CENTER of your marriage. After all you did make a vow to HIM as well. Make it a point to get better not bitter. You truly can continually refine your relationship.
True Love lasts throughforever
Make it a point to keep your marriage and your spouse happiness a priority. You can still enjoy the company of friends and loved ones. But don’t let everyone else but your spouse know what is going on with you and how you are feeling about you or them! Again, I cannot say this enough; Keep one another and your marriage a priority.
True Love lasts through forever. You both desire what is best for one another and you want one another to be the “Best You” you can be with one another by your side. This is true when God is in the center of your marriage. You want and desire your marriage to last. Happiness is a choice. You can’t make them happy but you can contribute to creating an intimate, loving, caring, warm, transparent, stable, mutually inviting environment where both of you can continue to grow and flourish together and make a beautiful fragrant bouquet that says “I LOVE YOU!” Now and through FOREVER!
Why Most Marriages Don’t Last!
In the Sacramento Area you can find many interesting stories about couples that are indicative of what is happening everywhere all over the globe! Many couples are going through! But don’t be discouraged. Help is on the way!
A great marriage really is definitely possible. Marriage requires love, commitment, patience and lots of work! Counseling is an alternative that helps and it can enhance your marriage. But your goal must be to work through the kinks in the marriage rather than let them persist. If you wait until your problems are seemingly insurmountable it will take some time to plow through your relationship dynamics!
There are times when counseling is sought just as a last resort! You simply attempt to appease one another and are trying to buy some time… When this is the case; by the time the couple goes to counseling the problem is so bad that they just want to find out which spouse is responsible for their marriage problems? They are often just seeking support and approval to justify why they act or behave in the manner in which they do? The fact of the matter is your communication skills are lacking to the point you have lost some of your objectivity.
You now need or desire a neutral third-party to help you see if you can revive the marriage and get it back on track?
You can and should also incorporate the Bible as wise counsel in your marriage. Not in a rigid legalistic manner but in a way to enhance your marriage! It is important that you marry someone who values the same life principles! However if this is not the case you can still consult the Lord’s Word! There is some superb, really great “stuff” in the Bible that many are not aware of! I mean this in a complimentary way! There are some great love stories as well as excellent examples of tests and trials. The Lord never intended for any of us to be unhappy and disappointed all the time… I suggest that you to go to Galatians 5 and learn the differences between the works of the flesh and the Fruit of His Spirit!
Please, don’t just read the Bible you must actually implement the principles into your own personal life and marriage. It is not wise to use the Word to manipulate or hurl insults upon your spouse! After all the Lord KNOWS what He is talking about!
If you have a friend that is having marital conflict encourage them to seek helpful ways to resolve it! It is important to respect your marriage as well as the marriage of others! When asked for advice make it a point to be objective! Don’t experiment on their marriage and suggest things that are harmful rather than constructive! Help them look at the situation from all angles! Sometimes a listening ear is all that is necessary to sort through the problem. Never support abuse on any level in anyone… Learn to be a better friend by encouraging them to do what is right!
What is so interesting is that as adults you can do as you please! That is, unless you simply have no self-control yourself and are rather compulsive. In that case you just cannot restrain or discipline yourself and you freak out at the slightest little thing! If this is the case you need to put yourself in check and seek out getting some professional help! By the way prayer really does work!
Please if you know that your spouse has a short fuse don’t try to purposefully set them off! This does not mean that you are to be a doormat! Choose your battles wisely don’t encourage abuse or dysfunction in yourself or anyone else. Don’t be an enabler!
So why can’t you make a decision to work out your problems? It’s because you have opted to go the way of the majority or just “do your own thing!” You can simply do what makes you feel good instead at the expense of your spouse? Live together and really be miles apart! But is it really good for you or your marriage! No! That’s called being selfish! At this point, the marriage has become more about “you” rather than about “us!” It’s my house, my car, my money, my furniture my name my, my, my… Somebody has a bad case of “Me”ness! No wonder you are in such a quandary! You have now or will be joining the not happily ever after club soon! That is unless you decide to make your marriage a priority! So get busy!
The first step for getting your marriage back on track is taking responsibility for your own actions! Stop behaving as though you are in the relationship by yourself! It is called being considerate! Your spouse is neither your servant nor parent! They are supposed to be your partner… Start treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated for starters! Celebrate your marriage! Encourage one another and if necessary encourage yourself like King David! Don’t let anyone steal your JOY! If you have get busy getting it back!
Why most marriages don’t last Part 1
It is important to make your marriage a top priority!
Marriage statistics ending in divorce continue to rise! Why is that? Spouses listen to everyone else except one another. Their marriage is no longer the top priority it once was. They desire to please their friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers and sometimes congregations rather than one another or GOD!
You do not have to live on an island. You must continue to strive to improve and refine your marriage!
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having good friends. Just don’t try to be like your friends. Especially if they are not married. Be original! If you notice you look different because you are different. Your temperaments are different and you like different things. So why is it when it comes to your spouse you listen to them rather than to one another. When you decided to get married you became a team. Or rather you should learn to commit to be partners in life. Build a great marriage and encourage those who are married to do the same. Encourage those who are single to cleave to the Lord as they seek to be married….
Hopefully you did not get married to make each others’ life difficult. Or to get someone to take care of you. You can do badly all by yourself. Or because you felt you were getting older and the clock was winding down or simply because everyone else was married? Or just because! Hopefully you got married because you want to give and share of yourself within the sanctity of a committed monogamous growing relationship. To experience the greatest partnership between one man and one woman designed by God.
Think about it for a moment. Why did you get married? Was there a goal to accomplish something? You have two eyes, two ears, two lips, two hands, two arms, two legs and two feet. They actually work together in pairs better! If one can’t do something the other one will… Well when it comes to marriage you should work together with your spouse as well. Two working together can accomplish much and often much more than one! If you do not desire to work together then don’t get married. Or perhaps that is why you no longer want to be unmarried? You want to try something else or someone else? You want to give of yourself in a relationship were you both have the same basic principles and morals; here you are on one accord….
Many change partners like they are changing a pair of shoes! Fearful of being transparent and taking the time to really get to know your spouse you flee. Or you simply don’t open up to them and you two just coexist as strangers! Or listen to unwise, ungodly counsel or advice… Quite often everyone else knows what is going on before either of you. Your friends have become your confidants and you wouldn’t dare share TRUTH with your spouse. Well! That’s part of the problem!
Help for marriages
Marriage is not about keeping secrets from your spouse. It’s about sharing who you are and growing and improving yourself as well as encouraging your spouse… To remain committed when there is turbulence and then together learn to soar above it! In a good marriage when you truly like one another you become friends as well as partners! It is better to be open and honest up front rather than waste time year after year dodging the Truth.
If you have been married before please take some time in between marriages and get rid of the extra baggage. If you don’t it will soon become part of your current marriage and you will recycle the same ole junk! You can’t change what has happened but you can go forward and do some things differently…
What is so interesting marriage was really designed by God to be the ultimate relationship between one man and one woman. Two become one! Being together is a desired choice and you vow and commit to grow together and become partners for life. You made a commitment to honor God within your marriage? Or did you? Or until… Well nowadays people stay married as long or as short as they can tolerate one another and something better comes along? So they think? The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence! It must be tended, fertilized and cared for to stay green and healthy! The grass is greener where it is watered, fed and taken care of’
Few really understand what true love is! “GOD IS LOVE” God is eternal and so is His love!
Love becomes optional to some in marriage and it is no longer the key adhesive that keeps the marriage together. This really is not love at all. Respect and commitment are secondary as well! This is “Intoxicating affections” that simply mimic God’s love. They don’t last!
Caring Enough To Listen=Communication
An emotionally safe marriage establishes a foundation of trust. Your partner is supposed to be your helpmate. Someone to help and encourage each other to improve. Someone to tell you when you are wrong. Someone to allow you some space, or room to think when needed. Someone to learn to love you the way God defines love. Marriage was meant to be a safe place to grow spiritually, mentally and emotionally. This is why God has given us healthy boundaries. Jesus died so we might truly experience God’s love. God is the only One that really knows how to love unconditionally. This is why it is important to consult Him often. No one is ever right about everything. Life is too short. God is quite clear about some things. Choosing to do otherwise will always cause some type of conflict. Our lives are supposed to be centered around God and His principles. It is very important to personally study and know His Word! When you know that you have stepped outside of those boundaries. Repent! Get back on track! If you have an addictive nature get help! God is able to keep you from falling! Never want to be right just for the sake of being right. This only hinders your relationship as well as your own personal growth.
Do not seek out someone to support you when you are wrong. This is one of the biggest problems in relationships. There are too many people who are willing to support wrong. This may give you some immediate self gratification. But in the long wrong it really just weakens you and will eventually erode the moral fibers of your relationship. You really are being the bigger person to simply just admit when you are wrong. It is not always an issue of right or wrong. Sometimes you just do not agree. Sometimes you just feel quite strongly about something. But it has not manifested in a way that you can explain it or define it. This is when patience is developed. In its abstract stage just wait until “a little more paint gets on the canvas”. This is why your relationship with the Lord is so very important! God really does know, in His time He will help you and guide you, when you allow Him. Remember His idea of Marriage is having a “helpmeet”. That has not changed. It is very important that you develop your personal intimate relationship with the Lord. Trusting Him will further help you to effectively communicate to your spouse or whoever.
If trust has been broken it is vitally important that you immediately make it a top priority to do whatever is necessary to begin to restore it. Don’t wait or put it off any longer, and let it continue to fester and ferment. This will become cancerous and further help to erect an emotional barrier. This greatly hinders intimacy. Remember intimacy helps you to be transparent. To openly say how you feel, what your needs are and how you deal with those needs is not always easy. But you must start. Quite often in life one has been hurt. They have been abused emotionally and or physically. Barriers have been erected. Unresolved issues are really the root cause of a lot of emotional outbursts. In some cases this can also hinder your ability to develop a strong healthy deep marital relationship. To fill that void in many cases you will just develop a lot of surface unfulfilling non threatening shallow relationships. Or you become a people pleaser. You often go along with the majority even when it goes against what God has said not to do. If this is the case you really lose who you really are. If you do not stand for something you will fall for everything. Did He not say “Don’t be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of your mind”? God does not want you to change like a chameleon just for the sake of acceptance. Nor does He want you to keep your hurts locked inside. God wants to transform you from inside out and help you discover a healthy balance. Pray and ask Him for direction or to place someone in your path to help you. Then listen and trust God. Learn how to respond differently. God really does know what has happened, is happening and will happen. If this has been the case start by opening up to Him. Remember God already knows. God is Omniscient! He knows everything. He is there for you and He really does want to help you become all that He created you to be.
Jesus came that we might be free. Not free to say and just do anything. Not free to dibble and dabble into any and everything of the world. He wants you to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. But free to live your life to please God. In many instances Biblical concepts have actually been laid aside and secular ways and very worldly social methods have been embraced and taken a stronghold. The ways of the world have become accepted and are quite commonplace within the Church. Lord help us! God wants to help you have a quality existence. God really can make a difference in your life and marriage. God will allow whatever you have been burdened by to lift. His yoke really is easy and His burdens are light. God is Omnipotent. Ultimately everything is under His control. He has all power! When you are burdened down by anything begin to commence to learn to give it to Him. How do I do this? By taking responsibility for your part and giving the rest to Him. God is more than equipped to handle what we cannot. Remember He created us therefore He knows all our limitations. He is just waiting for you to submit to His will and way. Then just wait on Him. Waiting can be hard. It is also an opportunity to grow spiritually and acquire patience. God has promised to supply all of our needs. Don’t always think carnally when it comes to your needs. God is more than enough and has healthy ways to fulfill all our needs. It is important to know as well that God has put in all of us a void that only He can fill. You can count on all of God’s promises!
As you grow spiritually you begin to mature. This will help you to develop as the person God intends you to be. God knows where you are but He does not want you to stay there. This also may require you to walk alone sometime. But know with God, you are really not alone at all. He did not leave us alone here on earth to be tossed to and fro. His Holy Spirit can fill you in a way that nothing or no one else can! When you allow Him to fill that void that only He can fill you will never have to feel lonely again. Nor do you have to carry any burdens alone. As you learn to trust Him you learn to lean on Him. He is able to anchor you! Jesus Christ carried the burdens of the world for all of us! You owe this to yourself as well as to your spouse. As you react and respond to them in a way that pleases God you help them as well as yourself. This will help you to point the finger properly. Meaning whenever you properly point the finger, remember the biggest finger points back at you. Always remember to check yourself as well as the person you are putting in check. Here is an opportunity for spiritual growth. This encourages them and reflects the spiritual benefits acquired by spending time with God. Remember as a help meet you want them to be all they can be for the Lord. You want them to break free of whatever strongholds they are shackled by. You want them to grow spiritually, mature and learn to give whatever hinders them to the Lord as well. Ultimately this is our purpose in life. It is not to please man; But to please God. Living to please God will help you immensely. As a matter of fact it is really easier.
Man looks from the outside. Too often what is temporal (temporary) is the focus. What is eternal is much more important. Take personal inventory and see how much you are caught up in superficial stuff. Too often worship becomes banal and ritualistic. God is put on a quick time construct. Too often the ways of the world are adopted and given more priority. Your goal should really be to live so that when you pass through this life, God will not be a stranger when it is time to meet Him face to face. This does not at all mean you live in a “fantasy religious zone”. God really can direct your path. He also wants us to enjoy life despite the serious situations that arise from time to time. God knows and looks at the heart. God is so very awesome! He really does know just what you need and when. He really does want you to have a rewarding and fulfilling marriage. You cannot change anyone. But when you submit to the Lord He can and will help you to change. This is true of anyone that is willing to submit to Him. “God is not a respecter of persons.” This in turn will strengthen your inner spiritual life. You will begin to reflect the brightness that God’s internal Comforter provides. This also makes way for a balanced life. Any seasonal disappointments, trials, situations, past or current issues that arise will not define what the sum total of your life is all about. God wants to be included in every area of your life. Remember He is Omnipresent! God will help you rise to each of the challenges life presents and see you through each and every one of them. God wants to be the captain of your soul! His peace surpasses the understanding of man!
Communicating with the Lord is very important. Meditating on His Word is important. Applying what you are learning is crucial. As you spend time with Him He will help you to communicate effectively with your spouse. Take time to listen to your spouse. Then take some more time to listen to God. Remember it is necessary to listen attentively and objectively in order to hear. Be willing to make whatever changes that are necessary to take responsibility to improve your part in the relationship. God is able, willing and ready to help you. God is always just a prayer away……
Hopefully you now have a better understanding of the basic principles of communication in marriage.
Next: See Developing Intimacy