Marriages and Affairs – Part I

July 25, 2010 by  
Filed under Marriage & Relationships

Marriages that do not include “Transparency & Intimacy” are susceptible to infidelity. An affair is a sexual relationship between two people outside of marriage! An affair can also be an emotional attachment. Be it physical or emotional there is a transference that occurs. The spouse has opted to seek someone outside of the marriage to meet their physical or emotional needs!

When either spouse does not learn how to become transparent they are usually deficient in the intimacy department. Although the relationship continues marital “Trust” is not established. There is a lingering element of insecurity that is indicative of the relationship! There is also an insatiable void! A pattern of ongoing dysfunction within the marriage can easily be established if not dealt with… Secrecy becomes a part of the marriage!

Marriage was designed so each spouse could grow together and openly share their wants, needs and insecurities and become sensitive, and vulnerable to one another! The desire is to build a loving environment of trust and enjoy life together with one another! This is what transparency is all about! This leads to building a stronger cohesive bond. Each partner is different yet equally important. Mutual respect cultivates a healthier environment where your personal needs can be met! Vigorously meeting one another’s marital needs are then a major priority in your marriage!

There are numerous reasons why someone is not able to establish “intimacy and transparency.” When one has been abused, mistreated, neglected, lack coping skills, is subject to peer pressure, or has an addiction they quite often lack self esteem as well. They may suffer from depression, rather than address their hurts they suppress them. It may also be that they simply lack moral and spiritual values. In either case they may unconsciously select a partner that does not subscribe to transparency or is abusive! The relationship tends to remain surface without depth and void of any fulfillment. This in itself can cause one to continue to look beyond marriage to have their needs met. Secrecy begins to dominate the marriage!

Each marriage is quite different! Each spouse has a different temperament. They each vary in the need or desire for Inclusion, Control and Affection. Some couples marry and establish a businesslike relationship. They then often seek to have their emotional and sometimes physical needs met outside of the marriage. Open marriages rarely work. They do not allow the couple to properly bond and establish trust and intimacy. Here again there is also usually an underlining insecurity. Some seek open marriages because they lack the ability to commit to a trusitng monogamous relationship.

Adults need healthy self esteem! When they do not have self confidence there is then a tendency to cover it up! Drugs or alcohol is another way of covering up low esteem and inner pain to compensate for their insecurities. The changing shift in morals increases and abets experimentation in the area of illicit sex and drugs as well. Countless individuals are currently addicted to pornography and other sexually related addictions. Unknowing they have been seduced not thoroughly considering the spiritual ramifications or consequences of walking in disobedience! This is why it is important to know that God sees everything!

Many enter into marriage without really getting to know the person they marry. Either spouse has quite often, not taken the time to examine one another’s values or priorities. They in fact are “unequally yoked.” Your spouse is supposed to be your life partner! Marriage is supposed to be a commitment to God’s design for marriage! This is why it is so important not to rush into marriage for whatever reason? After all, you are going to be together for a lifetime?

There is much on the horizon in this 21st century to change God’s design for marriage. It is within the context of this article I am attempting to make an exertion to address “Marriage God’s Way” and some of its surrounding issues. His original design for marriage has not changed.

When one hastily rushes heart first into marriage, the relationship often become compartmentalized and there are parts of one another that are not readily shared. It takes more time for each spouse to sort through the layers of personality. In order to grow together there must be the desire for ongoing transparency. When one does not become transparent emotional walls begin to erect. In the interim you may “walk on eggshells.” This becomes stressful as well as unhealthy! Nor does this let your spouse in and often one elects to supplement their needs outside of the marriage.

Pornography, sexual addictions of all sorts and affairs are on the rise in this 21st century. These are a few of the unhealthy ways of meeting your marital needs outside of marriage! Addictions are strong, uncontrollable compulsive behaviors that are damaging to the mind, body and soul! Sexual dysfunction is prevalent today and rising! It is a not only a physical disorder but psychological as well. STD’s and HIV become probable dire health issues? Since sex outside the sanctity of marriage is often supported this tends to make it much easier to go outside the marriage to seek ways to get your needs met.

Our teens need better healthy committed marriage role models! Sexual feelings are natural and should be openly discussed rather than ignored! Many teens participate in sex before marriage without fully considering the bonding that takes place when sex occurs. Promiscuity among teens often occurs when one seeks to fill their inner void through sexual relationships. Not realizing that they are actually giving away parts of themselves. There is an enormous amount of peer pressure for teens! This can result in unexpected pregnancies. This can also later result in further hindering future transparency in marriage!

Marriage is the first institution that God designed! “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh…” You void Trust when you dishonor your marriage vows… It is important to know what you join yourself together with becomes a part of you! This is another reason why one should take their time in selecting a spouse!

If you are a believer, you must consult our Creator and Maker instead of embracing the world’s many alternatives? If you have ignored Him, you can always change? God is able! Start right where you are! You must begin to diligently seek God for help with your marriage! Meditate on His Word, embrace and implement His principles in your life! Begin to be honest with your spouse! Or you can continue to “do your own thing?”

Getting your needs met outside of marriage is not His way. It is actually a weakness taking the helm of your life. This leads you on the broad road that leads to destruction. This will eventually devastate your spouse and further weaken your ability to build a strong healthy marriage and hinders your spiritual life as well. One must take some time and ponder what the impact of practicing infidelity or sex outside of marriage does to their spouse! It hurts them terribly!!!

* If you are in ministry one should really take time to address the consequences of indulging in a sexual relationship outside of marriage! You water down your effectiveness and invalidate the call on your life! The Word teaches us a seducing spirit is in operation here and causing you to “walk in the flesh” See Galatians 5.

If you are a believer it is important to know the WORD of God! The Word was never meant to be a set of rigid legalistic rules and regulations. It is our “Life Manual!” A powerful loving guide that is designed to point us to TRUTH! To keep us on the straight and narrow road! God is now your Father or is He? God does not force us; we have the right to choose! It is important to weigh the consequences? You do not want to be a stranger to His will and way! Or do you?

When you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and Lord you are saying you want to develop an intimate transparent relationship with Him! Don’t let the world dull your conscience and spiritual ethics! As long as we all are on this side of heaven we are here to learn and grow spiritually! The Lord sees us individually and knows exactly where each of us are! We are supposed to reach out for the Lord, call on Jesus and apply His Word to our lives daily! His arms are always open …


A GREAT MARRIAGE – Is It Still Possible ?

July 2, 2009 by  
Filed under Marriage & Relationships

Couple on the BeachA GREAT MARRIAGE

Is it  still possible?

Divorce is raging a serious battle within our homes and congregations.   When a couple has been called to ministry I believe we have an obligation to uphold the marriage vows we speak, teach or preach about.  I  am thankful that we have been able to uphold our commitment to one another all these years.  But I realize it is not because of us it is because of the Lord!  Marriage God’s way does work.  I give Him full credit for keeping it uppermost in our minds the necessity of  living out those vows we made. A great marriage helps you to strengthen  your love, trust, intimacy, transparency and  so much more.   The path  you  walk is only as strong  to the degree,  you live out the very principles you talk about .

We after thirty eight years continue to refine our relationship. We have five (5)  grown children four (4) who are married.   I say this because this is not just words for kudos.  I realize that  there is  very serious spiritual warfare that continuously attempts  to come  against marriages.   Therefore I want to encourage others to uphold God’s Design for marriage. 

I am “Pro Marriage!”  

This 21st century has ushered in some strange and disturbing things in regards to marriage.  Marriage is the first institution that was designed by God.  His way was designed to last a lifetime.  A great  Christian marriage  consists of one man and one woman united  in Holy Matrimony.   There is a special, unique,  unexplainable bond that takes place during this committed union.  It is spiritual as well as an emotional  bond and yes physical as well!  It grows and flourishes as you continue to keep your commitment to one another and the Lord as well!  According to the Word of God “The two become one flesh”.

 

A great marriage consists of a relationship where mutual respect and love coexist.  Intimacy is a crucial part of this relationship as well.  Here is where you learn to become transparent.  It is also quite important that  together you must  build TRUST in your relationship.   You must ask and  allow Him within the center of your circle.   The ring is symbolic of that circle.

When difficult or painful situations arise, and they will, together you must sincerely attempt to come to a resolution employing His principles.   Don’t  go into denial!  Get creative! You must make a sincere attempt to take time to build  a mutually,  enjoyable, satisfying ,  environment together that will help you weather the storms of life.  You must continually  learn to nurture your relationship.   This will also enhance your intimacy,  spiritually, mentally and  yes physically.  If you have not begun to do so it is never too late to start.

You must learn to submit to one another.  Submission  is an act of love.    Read I Peter.  It is during submission you learn to take into consideration the needs of one another as  a priority.  You must learn to walk this path in a concerted cadence.    Great marriages don’t just happen.  It takes a willing, committed,  man and woman to make a great  marriage work.  Today many change partners like trying on a new pair of shoes.  They keep trying until …

Today it is somewhere between 55% – 60% of marriages that fail.   This was not meant to be.  The Word says “What God has joined together let not man put asunder.”   I think there is just cause in saying  that God’s principles have been left out of the equation.  Somewhere along the line you have gotten off track.  Many really do not honor  their marriage vows.  Were those vows just words?  Or is now that the world has presented you with so many alternatives,  you? This has  a lot to do with why so many marriages are going  awry.   We who say we are believers must look to God not to the world.  Each partner in the marriage has a moral responsibility to make the marriage flourish.   What happened to all that commitment?   A great marriage was not made to seem as though it was a sentence.  It was designed to be a  healthy, growing, mutually satisfying , rewarding  partnership!

When building a great marriage it is  very important to keep the fires of desire burning.  Do not allow the passion  to fizzle out.  Continue to stir up the excitement you had spending time together.  If it has fizzled rekindle the flame.   Allow one another some space as well.  It is natural to do things apart that you enjoy too.   That just makes you value the time when you come together that much more!   A great  marriage  should be tended like a precious antique.  It gets better with age … Each marriage is uniquely different.  Together discover what is enjoyable and continue to add flavor to your relationship no matter what age you are.  And yes, a great marriage is still possible!  But always  keep the flames of  love, trust, intimacy, transparency going and burning within… Continue to find ways to build a loving, healthy, relaxing home environment.  This is what  creates an endless circle of  LOVE as well as A GREAT MARRIAGE!


TRUE BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHIN

TRUE BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHINTRUE BEAUTY COMES FROM WITHIN

Your soul is the essence of who you really are.

True beauty comes from within. The WORD of GOD is so very precious! It is bursting with a wealth of wisdom! I understand more each day why the Lord tells us to “hide it in our hearts, so we might not sin against Him… Only God can see into our hearts! “Man looks on the outside. But God looks at the heart.” As believers His Holy Spirit resides within us. He knows us totally! God is LOVE! His Love is not in any way superficial it is imbedded deep into the fabric of who we are.

Life brings about a plethora of varied experiences, some bad, some good some just are simply incredible!

The Scriptures says:

“Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are they that keep His statues and seek Him with ALL their heart.” Blessed means to be happy and consecrated by God. God did not intend for His Word to just become mere letters on a papyrus (paper). He meant for it to become ALIVE within our soul to feed us and nourish us spiritually and emotionally so we could walk in His precepts. To help us go through whatever life presents to us, Blessed! One can then say Hallelujah Anyhow! Therefore this is why we pray

“Our FATHER, Give us today our daily bread…”

It is often said “What comes from the heart goes to the heart.” This actually is a quote given to Samuel Taylor Coleridge. There is a heartfelt sincerity when one speaks from the wellspring of their heart.

It is through the many experiences we encounter in life we grow one way or the other. It is important that we are not embittered by those experiences. It is important to have the right perspective. We can emerge triumphantly and rise above whatever has happened, is happening or will happen.

Life itself takes on a form of beauty when you access your heart’s wellspring. You perceive things differently. As you grow spiritually your soul is revived as well. You embrace the TRUTH of GOD’S WORD! You do not just go along with the majority in order to accepted You realize the value in self discipline. Spiritual growth comes from spending time with God, knowing His Word and applying it to your life daily. Your soul is the essence of who you really are. It is the heart of you. It is were TRUE BEAUTY lies as you remain connected to the Lord!

God knows who we are and who belongs to HIM! When you are truly HIS you can expect much spiritual warfare on this side of heaven. But “our weapons are not carnal…” This is why it is so important to get to know Jesus as your personal SAVIOR! There is an inner peace that comes from knowing who you are in Christ. “He was born of the Virgin Mary He lived a sinless, life and was crucified, died and was buried, but he AROSE with ALL power.” Yes, He is ALIVE and so is HIS WORD! HIS WORD is our SWORD; it is sharper than any two edge sword. (Two edged swords are used by man.) Whenever a trial comes our way we must learn to STAND on the WORD of GOD.

When necessary GOD WILL FIGHT YOUR BATTLES. His weapons are not carnal. We on the other hand must KNOW HIM and the POWER of JESUS CHRIST through HIS WORD! We never become the power we just gain access. During a battle we want to make sure our inner beauty is not suppressed. It is still possible for it to shine through… This is why we meditate, pray and ask to be filled daily. He has given us the gift of HIS HOLY SPIRIT as our COMFORTER! This is also what helps us to discern. He has promised to “never leave nor forsake us!”

Whatever comes our way in life know that our true beauty comes from deep within. True beauty is not worn it cannot be put on or taken off. It is from this rich place deep inside a wellspring comes forth. Here one discovers and retrieves the veiled beauty that has been pre positioned in one’s soul. It is within the depths of our soul one can encounter this precious internal, eternal fountain! That brings forth and emits a deeper beauty that has been coded into our souls by our Creator. It was knitted into us before we were in our mother’s wound. God has made us tri dimensionally. We are body, mind and soul! We are created in His image!

“For you created my inner most being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. ALL the days for me were ordained…” Psalm 139

Yes, there is also a surface beauty that one can see but sometimes you will find that it does not always go deep. This is the case when it is not embedded into the essence of one’s soul. I Peter says, that in order for our beauty not to fade away it has to come from our “ inner self, the unfading beauty of a quiet gentle spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” This does not mean one has to become silent or passive, rather it is quite proactive! It comes from a deep place that yields discipline! It is when we put our Hope and Trust in the Lord we can discover the True beauty that is deep inside, that beauty that comes from within! Yet, it is reflected in our lives and also on the countenance of our faces! “For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayers…”

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