Why most marriages don’t last! Part 3

Why most marriages don’t last?

Part 3

You can build a strong loving marriage. Working together is key to your happiness. You both have the power to make a fulfilling union. Compassion will help you mutually bond immensely. For your marriage to last it must remain a top priority to both of you.

You are considering getting married? Wow how exciting! You want to make sure you start by building a strong solid foundation. Love, trust, respect and loyalty are a must. They will solidify your union. Your marriage will be what you both make it. It is important to know; many marriages in this 21st century don’t last.

A few things to think about.

Please don’t go into the marriage thinking that you will be able to change each other. There are many resources available when planning your big day. But few think about resources to maintain and build your marriage. For those of you who have never been married before, you must allow for a period of adjustment once married. Living with someone is not the same as dating or being married. The difference is you have not really made a total commitment to one another. You both realize that you can simply opt out at any time…

 

Commit to always treat one another with respect. After the honeymoon period is over remain patient.  Whenever you hit a kink see this as an opportunity to take your marriage to a deeper level. Don’t allow issues that crop up to fester and become sour. Think before you fly of the handle and say something you will regret. It is during this time you need to work together rather than pull farther apart. Don’t take one another for granted. Make it a point to keep you marriage exciting.

A great marriage takes two committed spouses
 

If you have not married; please do not manipulate your potential spouse into a relationship. If you do it will be an ongoing dynamic in your relationship. You should genuinely care for this person and desire to grow together. You want to encourage transparency in order to build a strong secure marriage. Before marrying really have some candid and open discussion as to how you would like things to be in order to see if you are on the same page! Don’t just assume?

 

It is a good to take time and find out more about what each other likes and dislikes. Are you a morning person? Do you sleep with socks on? Do you snore? Are you patient? Do you yell scream and cuss to get your way? Do you rant and rave or manipulate? Or do you sulk and stay quiet, remote cold and unexpressive? Do you think that you should have everything that you want when you want it? Do you want your spouse to do everything for you and be waited on hand and foot and you do very little in return yourself? Or do you like to talk things through… Are you patient kind and loving. If you are you will be able to keep a balance. Or do you quit when the going gets tough?

 

It is the seemingly little things that add up and lead to arguments. It is easier for some to say how they feel when they are angry. Learn to be open and honestly discuss how you are feeling. Don’t make sorry a sorry word. Chill out and warm up to one another. It really is better to say “I am hurting.” Don’t let pride and insecurity dominate your marriage. How else will you settle your disputes if you do not take the time to responsibly communicate with each other? Wait until you have cooled off or can talk without being hostile. Please do not think that by not talking about issues they will go away; they won’t!

A great marriage will last for a lifetime
 

Now that we have discussed some of the not so good things we can move towards what it takes to build a better marriage. You sit down at work and discuss whatever the problem is, right! Why? Because work is a priority and you do not just opt out of your job when things are not going your way. Or if you attend worship you volunteer to do whatever. But when you are at home you are cantankerous? If so this is not good. It is important that you like and respect one another in marriage even more so. Why? Because you say you love this person!

You love them enough to get to know them better. You like them enough to care about their well-being. You care enough to develop loyalty in your marriage. Make sure to have a weekly marriage date. This does not mean you have to always go somewhere. It could just be a quiet relaxed evening committed to spending quality time together. Spend time in the Word together it is a wonderful time to bond. Remember keep your marriage exciting. Life is precious and each day is a gift from the Lord. It is important not to lose sight of this or you will just take one another for granted and improving the marriage will no longer be a one of your top priorities.

Make your marriage a priority
 

Life is about priorities. Take time out to tend to the people and things that are important to you. This is called being responsible. Marriage is the ultimate relationship between a man and a woman. If your marriage is going to last you have to make a conscious effort to work at it.  Keep the embers of love burning to keep it exciting.  Do interesting and adventurous things together!

 

You want to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship between you as well. Coming together physically as one should be a special time. This is a time of sharing and caring.  A time to experience a time of euphoria together. Marriage is when two can be totally physically one with God’s Blessings. Pray and ask the Lord to help you make this a special time of nurturing, care, love and fulfillment together. It is also a time to be “fruitful and multiply” which is another Blessing from the Lord. You can experience unity when you freely give of yourselves to one another.   Create  a loving environment.  You keep the embers burning by being affectionate and caring towards one another.

 

Each couple is different so together build what works for you. It is okay to have your physical needs met so there’s no reason to be ashamed.  When you have not had sexual relations before, it takes a while to feel relaxed, and become free. It can be quite odd not really knowing what to expect or how to respond. This is natural so be patient with one another. You will have to release some of the things you have heard or thought. Share how you are feeling with you spouse. It will eventually work out. Take time to focus on fulfilling one another’s physical needs. Each couple is different. How often or few or when is between the two of you. The marriage bed is honorable in the eyes of the Lord.

See Part 4

MAKING THE BEST OF “NOW”

 

Wherever you are  in life it is important to take some time and enjoy the moment.  Regardless of what is happening or not happening you are still here. What is most valuable in life is life itself! Whether you believe it or not, Life is a precious gift from God!   Time belongs to Him.  It is through His Son Jesus Christ everything was Spoken into Existence!  Please if you have any?  Listen with your spiritual ears for a moment.  Let this register in your mind  a moment, please read it again if necessary.  This is powerful!  Listen to what Colossians tells us about JESUS!   “HE is the image of the invisible GOD, the firstborn over ALL CREATION, For by HIM ALL things, were CREATED; things in HEAVEN and on EARTH, visible and invisible, whether thrones, or powers or  rulers or authorities aALL things were CREATED  by HIM and for HIM…” 

Did you know no matter how much you want  to,  you cannot turn back the hands of time?   You can look back, wish things would or could have been different but in reality you can’t go back and undo what has been done.   Letting go does not mean forgetting. You can thumb through photo albums, year books or diaries, spend an afternoon watching personal videos reminiscing on what was, but you cannot go back.  Begin to “Make the Best of NOW!

If  there are a  lot of  past unresolved issues that continue to crop up,  guess what? Looking back momentarily to disengage from the fermenting  stored  up pain or resentment can be healthy.  You cannot change anything that has happened.  But you can change how it continues to hinder  you from moving forward and becoming all that you were meant to be.   Begin letting it go!  Remember the child in you is always present.  It is the part of you that wants its way; now.   The part of  you that says, Hey! I want, I hurt,  I need I, I, I …  But the adult in you has to take responsibility for your  actions and your  well being.  The adult in you has to readily evaluate and say hmmm let me think before I react.   We must learn to patiently respond  rather than just impulsively  react.  Remember you cannot change what has happened but you can change what you do NOW! 

Self control is a virtue. It is also a part of God’s Fruit.  We as God’s children need Him daily to help us implement His principles within our lives.  He has given us His Holy Spirit as The Comforter to help us! Rest assured,  He is everywhere we are.  We just have to invite Him in on whatever is happening.  It is easy to just go it on your own and live haphazardly, or let the chips fall where they may?  Nor does it take any discipline.   But is this how it should be?   Sin is anything that separates us from God!  It takes self control to access  His presence.  A simple unuttered prayer will do!  There is POWER in the name of JESUS!

 

 As a child of God we never get to the point that we don’t need Him as Father and Lord!   We are ageless children to Him. Yes things  do happen  sometimes that are beyond our control.  But, we must learn to become responsible self controlled adults living in this world where any and everything goes.  His principles where meant to be our barometer for what is right and wrong.    He wants us to humble ourselves and walk in humility.  He wants us to be a people of  Power who walk in meekness not in our weaknesses.  This is why He says; “ I tell you  the TRUTH, unless we change and  become like little   children, you  we will never enter the Kingdom  of  Heaven.”     John said, “REPENT! For the Kingdom of   Heaven is at hand (near)”   John was not talking about later on, he meant right then and yes, NOW.  The kingdom of God is near and accessible.   HIS WORD tells us, “So do not let what you regard as good be spoken of as evil. For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit…”

Do you want to  experience  His Kingdom where there is  Joy and  His Peace which is not contingent on our circumstance?  Kingdom in this sense is not talking about a realm or physical place.  It is talking about letting God rule and reign  in your life NOW!  It’s  about living in His presence NOW.  Remember,  Jesus taught His disciples to pray “Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and lead us…”    We need the Fruit of His Spirit daily.  What is that?  “But the FRUIT of  the SPIRIT is , Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control…”

 

Today really  is a new day.  But His principles have not changed!  It is not like “Ground Hog Day”,  which is this amusing, humorous little movie that I have watched many times.  In this comedy the day happens over  and over for Bill Murray until it gets absolutely ridiculous.  He is the only one that is aware that the day is happening over and over.  The day’s events  become  so very predictable  after he has lived it over and over so many times that he knows what is going to happen before it happens.  The point is in going back it still did not change what had happened.  Therefore we must move forward consciously making a sincere attempt to live life with purpose.      “This is the Day that the LORD has made let us REJOICE and be GLAD in it…”  I then always say  Who but GOD can make a day?   

If you look  and study closely  you will see that the disciples went through some things.  It was not always a bed of ease!  But yet,  they depended on Him and yes, they  persevered!   They  continued to move toward God and grow in the Grace and knowledge of Jesus Christ!   It is important to nurture   the child in you.  You cannot give what you do not have.   We therefore ask daily for the continual infilling presence of His precious Holy Spirit!  He is more than able!    God IS  realistically able to fill every void that  we have.  He is the GREAT “I AM”!  

You can actually take control by going back to let go of what was or what could have been.  You do not want to live in denial.  It can be somewhat  therapeutic  by looking  back momentarily and reenacting certain scenarios?   This is because you are now deciding to take control and begin  letting go of things and situations that you  could not  or cannot change.  You are  in a sense REPENTING!  You  NOW begin to  move toward  by letting go and letting God’s way take the wheel of your life!   

God really is AWESOME!  Don’t limit His ability to be All that He is in your life!  He is so much more  than what our little finite minds can ever conceive.  Remember  from the very Beginning everything was spoken into existence by His Son Jesus Christ!  He truly is Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent!  Whatever has happened is happening or will happen God already knows.   This is why it is so important to begin living your life to Please Him.  You will never be able to please any or everybody all the time.  But you can begin walking , talking and living in His Presence.  You can begin “Making the BEST  of  NOW!” 

RELIABLE PEOPLE?

RELIABLE PEOPLE?

 

In this day and age it is becoming increasingly difficult to find reliable people.  This is an interesting, fascinating  21st century indeed! Commitment to promises  have become vague or they either are thrown into the sea of temporary amnesia.    Did I say that?  But I thought that you were supposed to…  You have heard the saying *“When the going gets rough, the tough gets going.”  These no doubt(s) are some difficult times.  But God knew way back when  from the very beginning what would be happening now!  This is why GOD is  so AWESOME!  In spite of what is going on if we just  continue  to look to Him,  He will and can see you through whatever comes your way.   For sure one thing remains the same; GOD STILL is, was and always WILL be RELIABLE!

 

Remember,* “When the going gets rough, the tough gets going.”

 

Those who you thought were reliable,  quite often;  you have now found out that was only in the moment.  In order to keep your head above water you have to stay focused.   It is so easy to agree to something when you are on the receiving end.  But when the rubber meets the road and things are not turning out the way they thought.  Be prepared.  When a person has not really invested themselves into something it is easy for them to just walk away.  You know and they know that you have put yourself out for them. You have invested time and money in them and they did not do their part.  But things just have not worked out like they thought ….  So what do you do?  How about having a pity party?  Do you bury your head in the sand like an ostrich?

 

No, instead you must look inward and  upward.  God really does know all and sees all!  You realize that they are much more concerned about how things appear rather than how they really are.   Commitment has become a fleeting virtue.  Nowadays people commit and say “I DO” until death us to do part.  But they “don’t.”   Actually  they initially mean  “I DO”;  but it’s really until  we do not feel the same way about one another  anymore!  Then  it’s time to move on… In order to survive in these tuff times you are  going to have to develop some tough skin to guard your heart!  Remember *”when the going gets rough, the tough gets going”… So now is the time to really get to going…

A good strong committed marriage is possible! But you must allow GOD HIS place! GOD is LOVE and HE wants HIS LOVE to continue to flourish within your marriage!

 

One  must become resilient!    This will help  you to “bounce back” from,  protect and cushion you from any future  unforeseen bruises, bumps, disappointments and burns ahead. Some days may be harder than others but regardless of what is going on  it is important  to know;  God still has everything under His control!    Life is a test;  with God there is no failure.  This is why it is so very important to seek Him above  any and everything else.  Nourish your inner self  with the  delightful Fruit of  HIS SPIRIT!  His Fruit is  always ripe for the picking.  Self control, love and patience  are a part of His  viable life sustaining Fruit.  These are dependable  quality attributes  to nurture in oneself.  They also are reliable traits that will help you weather any unforeseen pandemonium that’s ahead!

 

Life has a way of presenting challenges.   When this happens many  readily abandon  Godly principles,  selfishly regress  and  result to doing what is best for them.  They lay aside what God has to say and do “what is right in their own eyes.”  This has been true from the very beginning.  There has been an ever increasing shift away from  God’s principles for  life and  living.   Now, high blood pressure, panic attacks, depression, anxiety, and or impatience rules instead, they begin to operate in a survival mode.  

 

Many have resorted to simply compartmentalizing their spiritual life to a weekend pastime.  During the week they proceed living life and engulfing themselves in a secular worldly lifestyle where just about anything goes.  Laying aside  “thus says the Lord” and embracing  whatever feels right in the moment.  Operating in a survival mode embraces,  anesthetizing  and indulging in any type of self satisfying pleasure, fantasy or recreation that suits their fancy.   Come Sunday they “go to Church” not really realizing that we the people are the Church…

 

The world has lost the lid and “Pandora’s box” is wide open.   Denial has clouded and shrouded discretion and deceived many.    Caught up in a seductive whirlwind of curiosity,    many have found their place dipping and dabbling in all its self gratifying pleasures.    Many of which are quite often addicting pleasures.  Reliability and  valor  abandoned.  Have you ever heard the term “Pandora’s Box has lost its lid”?  Greek Mythology has taken on somewhat of a reality in this 21^st century.  Ponder this for a moment,  according to Wikipedia;

“After Prometheus theft of the secret of fire Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create the woman Pandora as part of the punishment for mankind. Pandora was given many seductive gifts from Aphrodite, Hermes, Hera, Charites, and Horae (according to Works and Days). For fear of additional reprisals, Prometheus warned his brother Epimetheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus, but Epimetheus did not listen, and married Pandora. Pandora had been given a large jar and instruction by Zeus to keep it closed, but she had also been given the gift of curiosity, and ultimately opened it. When she opened it, all of the evils, ills, diseases, and burdensome labor that mankind had not known previously, escaped from the jar, but it is said, that at the very bottom of her box, there lay hope.”

There is no reason to think Pandora acted out of malice in opening the jar, for she was exercising her curiosity, and when she saw what was let out of it, she quickly closed it.

 

God never meant that life as “His child” to become drudgery.  Nor did He intend for us to be unhappy dissatisfied or wanting.  He did mean for us to be responsible and reliable and keep our commitments. As Hid children we should “forever becoming.”   Meaning continuously growing spiritually, emotionally, responsibly and…  Jesus came to point us to a better Way.  He came to clear the path to the “Narrow path” that leads to Him.  Although life takes its turns with Jesus Christ as your personal Savior you have an ever present Guide and Comforter.  His promise to “never leave or forsake you/us”  is TRUE!

 

Due to the lingering aftermath from the global recession many are still impacted directly or indirectly on many levels.  The rich, middle class, poor and in between…  The secure reliable future “nest egg” that was stored and supposedly safely tucked away in many cases was drastically dwindled.   That cash reserved for emergencies that has helped to offset the    climbing monthly budget, or taxes is gone.  The cost of gas, food, clothing and living expenses have skyrocketed. Although the price for gas has begun to decrease; it will never be as cheap as it once was!   Have you noticed how the portions or content sizes as well as the amount of ingredients have changed in a lot of items?  We get less for more.  Bargains are fewer.   Who would have ever thought?   It is very important to put or begin putting your TRUST in GOD. In HIM is where true security and significance lies.   For sure, one thing that remains the same GOD Still is, was and always WILL be RELIABLE! Draw closer to the HIM! Know that ultimately GOD has everything & everyone under HIS CONTROL!

 * It was Joseph P. Kennedy (1888-1969), the father of (U.S.) President John F. Kennedy who said it originally. It was however popularized by Billy Ocean’s song

 

A GREAT MARRIAGE – Is It Still Possible ?

A GREAT MARRIAGE

Is it  still possible?

Divorce is raging a serious battle within our homes and congregations.   When a couple has been called to ministry I believe we have an obligation to uphold the marriage vows we speak, teach or preach about.  I  am thankful that we have been able to uphold our commitment to one another all these years.  But I realize it is not because of us it is because of the Lord!  Marriage God’s way does work.  I give Him full credit for keeping it uppermost in our minds the necessity of  living out those vows we made. A great marriage helps you to strengthen  your love, trust, intimacy, transparency and  so much more.   The path  you  walk is only as strong  to the degree,  you live out the very principles you talk about .

We after thirty eight years continue to refine our relationship. We have five (5)  grown children four (4) who are married.   I say this because this is not just words for kudos.  I realize that  there is  very serious spiritual warfare that continuously attempts  to come  against marriages.   Therefore I want to encourage others to uphold God’s Design for marriage. 

I am “Pro Marriage!”  

This 21^st century has ushered in some strange and disturbing things in regards to marriage.  Marriage is the first institution that was designed by God.  His way was designed to last a lifetime.  A great  Christian marriage  consists of one man and one woman united  in Holy Matrimony.   There is a special, unique,  unexplainable bond that takes place during this committed union.  It is spiritual as well as an emotional  bond and yes physical as well!  It grows and flourishes as you continue to keep your commitment to one another and the Lord as well!  According to the Word of God “The two become one flesh”.

 

A great marriage consists of a relationship where mutual respect and love coexist.  Intimacy is a crucial part of this relationship as well.  Here is where you learn to become transparent.  It is also quite important that  together you must  build TRUST in your relationship.   You must ask and  allow Him within the center of your circle.   The ring is symbolic of that circle.

When difficult or painful situations arise, and they will, together you must sincerely attempt to come to a resolution employing His principles.   Don’t  go into denial!  Get creative! You must make a sincere attempt to take time to build  a mutually,  enjoyable, satisfying ,  environment together that will help you weather the storms of life.  You must continually  learn to nurture your relationship.   This will also enhance your intimacy,  spiritually, mentally and  yes physically.  If you have not begun to do so it is never too late to start.

You must learn to submit to one another.  Submission  is an act of love.    Read I Peter.  It is during submission you learn to take into consideration the needs of one another as  a priority.  You must learn to walk this path in a concerted cadence.    Great marriages don’t just happen.  It takes a willing, committed,  man and woman to make a great  marriage work.  Today many change partners like trying on a new pair of shoes.  They keep trying until …

Today it is somewhere between 55% – 60% of marriages that fail.   This was not meant to be.  The Word says “What God has joined together let not man put asunder.”   I think there is just cause in saying  that God’s principles have been left out of the equation.  Somewhere along the line you have gotten off track.  Many really do not honor  their marriage vows.  Were those vows just words?  Or is now that the world has presented you with so many alternatives,  you? This has  a lot to do with why so many marriages are going  awry.   We who say we are believers must look to God not to the world.  Each partner in the marriage has a moral responsibility to make the marriage flourish.   What happened to all that commitment?   A great marriage was not made to seem as though it was a sentence.  It was designed to be a  healthy, growing, mutually satisfying , rewarding  partnership!

When building a great marriage it is  very important to keep the fires of desire burning.  Do not allow the passion  to fizzle out.  Continue to stir up the excitement you had spending time together.  If it has fizzled rekindle the flame.   Allow one another some space as well.  It is natural to do things apart that you enjoy too.   That just makes you value the time when you come together that much more!   A great  marriage  should be tended like a precious antique.  It gets better with age … Each marriage is uniquely different.  Together discover what is enjoyable and continue to add flavor to your relationship no matter what age you are.  And yes, a great marriage is still possible!  But always  keep the flames of  love, trust, intimacy, transparency going and burning within… Continue to find ways to build a loving, healthy, relaxing home environment.  This is what  creates an endless circle of  LOVE as well as A GREAT MARRIAGE!

True Beauty Comes From Within Part 1

True beauty emanates from deep within your soul. You are able to age gracefully as you draw from its reservoir.  It is not at all superficial.  True inner beauty is not  based upon your size,  shape or physical features. Your inner beauty is  comprised of a multiplicity of   layers  that are not always readily apparent.  This  goes far beyond the epidermis yet at times remains reflective upon your countenance.

Nourish Your soul

Daily begin to embrace the Word of God.  It spiritually enriches and nourishes us in a marvelous way.  It magnificently  will replenish your soul. It is bursting with a wealth of wisdom that will make your heart glow.  It is necessary spiritual food for our mind, body and soul. Your soul is the essence of who you really are.  It lives forever. God is the giver and sustainer of life.   There is much contentment to be gained in continuing to develop  an ongoing growing   relationship with the Lord.  This reassures us of life eternally with him.

Each of us has been given a unique inborn temperament by God. Our personality is composed of the various experiences we encounter in life.  It  begins to develop in infancy. It is also a covering for your soul.

“GOD is LOVE!”

God’s Love is steadfast and genuine. When properly nurtured His love becomes deeply embedded into the fabric of who we are. We each have been created by God for a purpose. It is important to make it a daily priority to get to know our Creator on a personal level. It is within an up close intimate relationship with him we grow spiritually in His grace.

I truly understand more each day why the Lord tells us to “hide His Word within our hearts, so we might not sin against Him… Only God can see into our hearts! “Man looks on the outside. But God looks at the heart.” As believers His Holy Spirit resides within us. It is utterly amazing that He knows each and everyone of us totally from the inside out.

We are all transparent to the Lord. There is nothing that is hidden to him. Sin is anything that separates us from God. It is in our best interest to readily “REPENT” of any sin so we can stay connected to the Lord.

Life brings about a plethora of varied experiences.  Some can be quite difficult; some which are good others not so good. Yet there are those  that are just  simply incredible! Life is about learning how to grow through them all.  Going through the various experiences we can learn to  sin less.  However, you must begin to exercise self control. To respond patiently rather than react impulsively.   What you practice you become. We should want to always remain connected to the Lord. It is in Him we can have His deep abiding peace.

The Blessings of the Word of God

“Blessed are those whose ways are blameless, who walk according to the law of the Lord. Blessed are they that keep His statues and seek Him with ALL their heart.” Blessed means to be happy and consecrated by God. God did not intend for His Word to just become mere letters on a papyrus (paper). He meant for it to become ALIVE within our soul to feed us and nourish us spiritually and emotionally so we can daily walk in His precepts. To help us go through whatever life presents to us, Blessed! One can then say Hallelujah Anyhow! The JOY of the Lord remains with us when we allow HIM to be our strength.

It is often said “What comes from the heart goes to the heart.” Many quote this as Scripture. Yet, this actually is  not a scripture. This infamous   quote was given to us by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. There is a heartfelt sincerity when one speaks from the wellspring of their heart. This is why it is so memorable.  It is important that we learn how to guard our hearts.

A strong fervent prayer life is important

“Our FATHER, Give us today our daily bread…”

Knowing God intimately makes all the difference in the world. The sooner you start the better. Tomorrow is not promised therefore we do not know what a day may bring. Your relationship with the Lord will help immensely in later years. It will preserve you and help keep your soul refreshed and renewed.

Knowing and believing the fact that God is Omnipresent and always with you is a precious TRUTH. When you fully embrace this you won’t feel lonely even when you are alone. It is important to have our priorities right. We can emerge triumphantly and rise above whatever has happened, is happening or will happen.

It is through the many experiences we encounter in life we grow. How well we fair through those experiences can help strengthen us an build our character. Some experiences can be difficult. It is important that we are not embittered by those experiences. When things are unpleasant we must learn to face them responsibly. This is how we build character. Yes, there are times in life that we will encounter difficult people.

Spiritual growth

See Part 2

Co-DEPENDENCY

For the co-dependent it is necessary to realize that God is really not a respecter of persons. We are equal yet different as His children. Although scripture tells us “it is not by works that we are saved” a codependent can be manipulated into many activities. This is fueled by their need of approval. This often causes them to develop a surface relationship with God. Their busyness leaves little time to “be still” and find the freedom and rest only God can provide.

 

What is happening to our Christian families? Codependency has become a major dysfunction. Families are experiencing a famine in the area of healthy nurturing. Let’s begin to break generational cycles of codependency. Why is this necessary? A person who is co-dependent is trapped in a compulsive cycle of control. They are usually over achievers who are virtually motivated by their desire to be loved. They often have been subject to major rejection in their early childhood. In order to feel a sense of security they will over extend themselves in many activities in order to gain the approval of others. It is very difficult for a co-dependent to deal with someone who they can not control. They will often even appear submissive in order to gain control of someone. This behavior is really manipulation in order to dominate.

 

The boundaries of a co-dependent are usually blurred. The hurts of childhood abandonment and rejection fuel their need to control. They have a great need as well to be the center of attention. Unable to let go of the past they really feel empty and unloved. They are usually high maintenance people. Their constant need of approval is countered by resentment when not satisfied since they suffer from low self-esteem. As I have said before and will say again and again “your true security and significance can only be found in God”.

 

For the co-dependent it is necessary to realize that God is really not a respecter of persons. We are equal yet different as His children. Although scripture tells us “it is not by works that we are saved” a codependent can be manipulated into many activities. This is fueled by their need of approval. This often causes them to develop a surface relationship with God. Their busyness leaves little time to “be still” and find the freedom and rest only God can provide. Contrary to popular belief you are not required by God to participate in most man ordained auxiliaries especially at the expense of neglecting your family. Pastors as well as Christian workers who suffer from co-dependency must be careful not to be pre-occupied at the expense of not having some time for their own families. Your works should display your faith not someone else’s. Creating healthy boundaries are necessary. Spend some time developing your personal intimate relationship with God. Begin to implement His principles in your life. Grace and peace is multiplied when you increase your knowledge of GOD!

 

Consciously allow what God desires and requires of you to override your need to control and/ or gain the approval of others. Don’t be a people pleaser! God is not impressed by manipulation. Always examine your motives in the light of His WORD. Take charge by letting go, which is the opposite of controlling. Remember scripture says it is “the meek that will inherit the earth.” Meekness is not weakness it is power under control. Cycles are hard to break but with God even the impossible is possible.

 

The family system of a co-dependent usually has a powerful effect on their behavior dynamics. Often there is a scapegoat, a martyr and a hero in the co-dependent family. The scapegoat gives everyone something to focus on rather than deal with the real problem. The martyr sacrifices for everyone and feels sorry for themselves. The hero makes the family look good to outsiders. A multigenerational pattern of faulty unhealthy dynamics can appear as normal. Do you notice any generational patterns? Unconsciously the family will fight to keep these dynamics operating.

 

All families have an element of dysfunction. Destructive family dynamics have been in operation since the beginning of time. The story of Joseph tells how his Dad favored him over his brothers. Joseph’s father gave him a beautiful coat. This caused so much jealously between them that they designed a plan to destroy Joseph. His brothers called him a dreamer. Little did they know that the Lord had His hand on Joseph. God being in control worked this to good although their plans were evil. In the final analysis Joseph became the chief provider for his family as well as country. Eli was a priest. Although a servant of the Lord he had two sons who were outwardly rebellious. They disrespected not only the offerings but the people of God as well. I wonder how much time Eli spent nurturing his own sons?

 

Family secrets such as mental illness, incest, abuse and alcohol or drug addictions often go unaddressed in the co-dependent family. Denial becomes a survival dynamic for the family. This fosters an unhealthy physical as well as spiritual environment. Family secrets are often described as though one has a white elephant in the living room. Everyone just walks around it as though it doesn’t exist. Or they just avoid it altogether. Thinking it will just go away. It won’t! Christians need to take a stand and move to a higher level of functioning. We must learn to address the sin issues in our families and not continue to make excuses. Sin is anything that separates us from the Lord. God has promised to direct our paths when we put our trust in Him. We must learn to responsibly take responsibility.

 

God in His Omniscience is well aware of the shortcomings of all of us. We must look at the unhealthy dynamics in our family of origin and consciously find ways to abandon the generational cycles. Don’t continue to sweep things under the rug. Learn to confront issues as they arise. It’s never to late! Start by not supporting or reinforcing any unfavorable behavior. The truth must be faced to break free and enjoy the present.

 

Sometimes it is necessary to pursue professional assistance to resolve family conflict. A conscientious therapist should be well informed about inappropriate behavior. They objectively are able to recognize that the faulty behavior presented is really a mask for an underlying unmet need. The co-dependent needs to find a positive channel to release inner tensions. A family intervention is useful in most situations. Then proceeding to establishing a way in which their unmet needs can be satisfied is recommended.

 

In a Therapy environment a healthy atmosphere is crucial. The equal safety of the client and the safety of the therapist should always be a priority. A committed Christian therapist knows the importance of establishing healthy boundaries. A congruent environment implies that the therapist is trustworthy, genuine, integrated, and openly honest. There are many cultural differences that can inhibit a fluent understanding of the client. Stereotype thinking must be abandoned. Each client must be viewed as an individual. Labeling often changes peoples perceptions of others. There is a substantial diversity among any given group of people.

 

Christian therapy although not new is often unwelcomed from anyone other than the pastor in some instances. Many pastors who may be well-versed in scripture may not be equipped in some areas of counseling. Many on the other hand or overwhelmed by their ministerial duties. There are some pastors who should not counsel, especailly if there is a history of infidelity… The sincere efforts of a Christian therapist although well meaning may be often misconstrued as out of line and unwelcomed.

 

The use of small cell groups can often be quite therapeutic and beneficial for the co-dependent as well as for managing other interpersonal problems. A conscientious facilitator will maintain order and model control. Confidentiality and free expression should be encouraged. Conflict arises when individuals become resistant to someone’s insight or opinions that have been communicated. Uncontrolled anger is not welcomed in a cell group. Establish boundaries. Keep the group spiritually based. Making use of regular Bible study and prayer are key elements for success.

 

Emerging from codependency is painful. The compulsion to rescue dependent people is really a form of bondage. God never intended for any of us to be slaves to sin. Self-control is a fruit of His Spirit. His resources are unlimited. The co-dependent person first must acknowledge their compulsion to control. They must work towards redirecting their inclination towards other control to self-control. To seek healthy ways to have their unmet needs fulfilled. To process dispelling dysfunctional cycles this is a must. Don’t allow pride to hinder your progress. It is an obstacle to your well-being. God also hates pride it is an abomination to Him. Confess any known sin and press forward. It takes courage and a lot of hard work. It is in our weakness that we can become strong through God’s awesome power. God has left the Comforter which is His Holy Spirit to lead teach and direct you. Never forget God loves you! Take control by taking control of yourself. Learn the benefits of meekness. Know that your body is the Temple where God’s Holy Spirit resides. It is so very important to learn how to trust God, daily embrace HIS principles and know that everywhere you are GOD is always a prayer away. The truth really will set you FREE!!!