Why most marriages don’t last Part 1
It is important to make your marriage a top priority!
Marriage statistics ending in divorce continue to rise! Why is that? Spouses listen to everyone else except one another. Their marriage is no longer the top priority it once was. They desire to please their friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers and sometimes congregations rather than one another or GOD!
You do not have to live on an island. You must continue to strive to improve and refine your marriage!
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having good friends. Just don’t try to be like your friends. Especially if they are not married. Be original! If you notice you look different because you are different. Your temperaments are different and you like different things. So why is it when it comes to your spouse you listen to them rather than to one another. When you decided to get married you became a team. Or rather you should learn to commit to be partners in life. Build a great marriage and encourage those who are married to do the same. Encourage those who are single to cleave to the Lord as they seek to be married….
Hopefully you did not get married to make each others’ life difficult. Or to get someone to take care of you. You can do badly all by yourself. Or because you felt you were getting older and the clock was winding down or simply because everyone else was married? Or just because! Hopefully you got married because you want to give and share of yourself within the sanctity of a committed monogamous growing relationship. To experience the greatest partnership between one man and one woman designed by God.
Think about it for a moment. Why did you get married? Was there a goal to accomplish something? You have two eyes, two ears, two lips, two hands, two arms, two legs and two feet. They actually work together in pairs better! If one can’t do something the other one will… Well when it comes to marriage you should work together with your spouse as well. Two working together can accomplish much and often much more than one! If you do not desire to work together then don’t get married. Or perhaps that is why you no longer want to be unmarried? You want to try something else or someone else? You want to give of yourself in a relationship were you both have the same basic principles and morals; here you are on one accord….
Many change partners like they are changing a pair of shoes! Fearful of being transparent and taking the time to really get to know your spouse you flee. Or you simply don’t open up to them and you two just coexist as strangers! Or listen to unwise, ungodly counsel or advice… Quite often everyone else knows what is going on before either of you. Your friends have become your confidants and you wouldn’t dare share TRUTH with your spouse. Well! That’s part of the problem!
Help for marriages
Marriage is not about keeping secrets from your spouse. It’s about sharing who you are and growing and improving yourself as well as encouraging your spouse… To remain committed when there is turbulence and then together learn to soar above it! In a good marriage when you truly like one another you become friends as well as partners! It is better to be open and honest up front rather than waste time year after year dodging the Truth.
If you have been married before please take some time in between marriages and get rid of the extra baggage. If you don’t it will soon become part of your current marriage and you will recycle the same ole junk! You can’t change what has happened but you can go forward and do some things differently…
What is so interesting marriage was really designed by God to be the ultimate relationship between one man and one woman. Two become one! Being together is a desired choice and you vow and commit to grow together and become partners for life. You made a commitment to honor God within your marriage? Or did you? Or until… Well nowadays people stay married as long or as short as they can tolerate one another and something better comes along? So they think? The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence! It must be tended, fertilized and cared for to stay green and healthy! The grass is greener where it is watered, fed and taken care of’
Few really understand what true love is! “GOD IS LOVE” God is eternal and so is His love!
Love becomes optional to some in marriage and it is no longer the key adhesive that keeps the marriage together. This really is not love at all. Respect and commitment are secondary as well! This is “Intoxicating affections” that simply mimic God’s love. They don’t last!
How Compatible are We? Ready for Intimacy? Commitment? The Marriage Bed? In-laws or Out-laws?
How Do I Love Thee:Food For Thought Before You Say “I DO” is a mini-premarital guide to be used by couples, counselors, and clergy. It addresses many of the major subjects couples should discuss prior to marriage. Included are interactive lessons and assignments for the couple. The lessons are designed to motivate serious thought about love, compatibility, commitment, finances, accountability, responsibility, dealing with the in-laws, the marriage bed, and more.
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Starting 1/2/2016 you can download a copy of the book starting at $ .99. Click on the book to visit Amazon and pick up your copy. The sooner you purchase, the larger the discount.
How Compatible are We? Ready for Intimacy? Commitment? The Marriage Bed? In-laws or Out-laws?
Many couples spend a great deal of time planning their wedding, but little time planning their marriage. They have not taken the time to have candid open discussion as to what happens after the wedding. Planning your wedding is important, but so is planning your marriage.
Now available is the Kindle Edition of my premarital book “How Do I Love Thee: Food For Thought Before You Say I DO”.
>How Do I Love Thee:Food For Thought Before You Say “I DO” is a mini-premarital guide to be used by couples, counselors, and clergy. It addresses many of the major subjects couples should discuss prior to marriage. Included are interactive lessons and assignments for the couple, which are designed to motivate serious thought about love, compatibility, commitment, finances, accountability, responsibility, dealing with the in-laws, the marriage bed, and more.
For a limited time (September 1, 2015 – September 5, 2015) you can download a copy of this book for FREE!
Click on the book cover below to visit Amazon and pick up your copy, and/or a copy for family members and friends.
**********************************Customer Reviews From Amazon***********************************
Excellent and Resourceful
By Lady Monica Kaye on February 13, 2015
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
My sister has broken down each step of preparation needed before saying ” I Do”. I appreciate your straightforwardness to doing what is right in the sight of God.
This is a MUST read for anyone longing to be married or currently engaged.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
I LOVE THIS BOOK
By Dr. Kitty Bickford on May 16, 2015
Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
I LOVE THIS BOOK! Wish I could get all my 20-something nieces and nephews and grandchildren to read it BEFORE they made bad choices. Thanks for writing it.
Many seek ways outside the boundaries of the traditional marriage as we know it in order to fulfill their sexual desires! Many as well are in favor of redefining and changing what constitutes marriage. It is your choice but it is important to know that the only sex that God sanctions is within marriage between a man and a woman! Today we have a myriad of problems that are systemically rooted from improper sexual relationships! What do we do?
We continue to encourage healthier sexual boundaries! There is an exchange that takes places during sexual intercourse that goes much deeper than the physical! Coitus, the technical term for sexual intercourse, was meant to be a time of mutual pleasuring without being ashamed! You are making an emotional and physical deposit! You are giving and sharing the essence of you! At this time within the confines of marriage you become one and strengthen your union! It is at this time you can build physical intimacy! Take time to nurture one another during foreplay! You can share, build, strengthen and fortify one another as you both give from your heart! You reinforce your marriage vows!
Sex is so serious that it is a time that when a man and woman come together they can create a new life! WOW! Now that is really profoundly deep! The human body is amazing! There are healthy benefits available during sexual intimacy! Your stress and blood pressure reduces, it helps in decreasing the chances of prostate cancer, and it also increases the love hormone “oxytocin” which helps to bond and build trust! *“A long-term study of 3,500 people between 30 and 101 by clinical neuropsychologist David Weeks, MD, head of old age psychology at the Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland, found that “sex helps you look between four and seven years younger…”
Don’t just go through the motions and allow sex to become mundane or just a physical exercise. Create a welcoming environment where both of you can experience warmth and satisfaction. Make it a goal to please one another by being cognizant of how one another is feeling! Remember, intercourse has a significant role in bonding! It is like epoxy! When the two sticky resin components come together they generate heat and the two polymers form a permanent bond! They fuse together as the fluids are released and come together! Sexual intercourse is a spiritual moment where the union “Holy Matrimony” is reinforced! You actually enter into the physical depth of your spouse! You give them the essence of who you are… This is also why it is important to not just have sex with just anyone!
If you have allowed your marriage to become commonplace and unexciting make some changes! Begin by enjoying one another daily, hold hands, welcome laughter, have fun by being affectionate, freely give hugs, affirmations and complement one another regularly and appropriately! Caring, gentle expressions of affection do not always mean you want to have intercourse! Recapture the tender moments that brought you together or create some! Don’t waste time, let it pass you by or live in regrets! Each day is a precious gift from the Lord!
If you are single please seriously think about waiting until…! You are valuable and deserve to be loved and respected by someone who is totally committed to you! Please make sure that you take the time to nurture yourself and deal with any unresolved issues! It is natural to desire and want a spouse! To want someone to grow with you! Compromising who you are is not necessary! Trust and emotional intimacy play a major role in a great marriage!
No need to fret over what has already happened! It is important to be mindful if you have been used or abused! Take some time to regenerate and emotionally restore and strengthen yourself! Set some guidelines and goals keeping in mind that you merit a good relationship! Take this time to grow closer to the Lord! Spend some time in His Word! After all He created you! Know that all His Word is true! He has promised to “supply all your needs…” Communication and transparency is a major component of a great marriage! It is important that you share common core values with your potential spouse! Be discerning and in the meantime guard your heart! It may take some time but it will be well worth waiting for your lover and spouse!
If you are already married ENJOY! Celebrate your marriage!
PORNography is Growing Within The Christian Community
Pornography is one of the most prevalent social problems we are facing today. There is a great concern in regards to the rate pornography is growing within the Christian Community. It is happening from the pulpit to the pew. The number of individuals and families that have been directly or indirectly impacted is rapidly growing. The issue continues to snowball because to some degree, on many levels it is initially accepted. In some instances it is considered to be a passing fad or on the other hand it is simply ignored. Pornography is dangerous and erodes the moral fiber of one’s character. If you know someone who is involved in pornography please don’t wait, encourage them to get help now! Since it is so readily accessible it can overtake and often consume the life of those who partake in it. Pornography is really quite selfish. It can impair and shatter the life and self esteem of the addict’s spouse and robs the relationship of trust, significance and security. It also can cause a carnal spirit to hover over the household which invites much spiritual warfare.
The internet has a plethora of pornographic sites that are launched every day. The images seduce the captive audience of one or more into an underground world of self-indulgent decadence. Seeking fulfillment in strip clubs, compulsive eating and or cyberspace clubs. There is much research available to substantiate that it is a growing addiction phenomenon for many. Pornography has various levels from soft to hard porn to… At what point is it harmful? Here are some questions to ask or think about. If you can answer yes to any of these you need to really get help.
Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality?
Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?
Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless?
Are you unable to properly relate to your spouse and there is a physical void in the relationship?
Recently in the news it was announced that we have many teens who are now starting to do what is called “sextexting.” For too long the subjects of adultery, fornication, immorality, infidelity, incest, same sex relationships , sex outside of marriage….. have merely slid under the Christian radar. This is getting to be a little frightening. This should send us all a clear warning! The porn addict spends endless hours absorbing images of an unrealistic unattainable idealistic fantasy via the internet or videos. It is a billion dollar industry. Unknowingly these images have become their little god. Which really is a form of idolatry. It impacts not only the addict but the family as well just like any other addiction.
There are many deeper unresolved issues here. Quite often something that happened in childhood has resurfaced in the addicts mind. The emotional pain has fermented and pornography becomes a destructive outlet. Dealing with someone who has an addictive personality can be overwhelming and or quite devastating. You are really often dealing with an out of control child encased in an adult body. They want what they want, when they want it. It is difficult for them to delay self gratification. They will do whatever it takes to satisfy their insatiable desire. It is often difficult for them to see that they are so unreasonably demanding and controlling. An intervention is constructive, warranted and often necessary in order to begin the path to recovery.
Talking about sexual issues openly and honestly will help dispel a lot of the rumors, myths and inappropriate behavior that has gone on and on… Education is key. No one really often wants to really come out and discuss or say; what God has to say, for fear of being perceived as too religious or judgmental. If you are a believer, one surely knows that absolutely nothing happens anywhere or at anytime that God is not aware of. For example let’s look at I Samuel 1. Eli who was a priest had two sons Hophni & Phinehas whose behaviors were simply outright outrageous. They were disobedient, humiliated and slept with the women who came to the Tabernacle for help. The Bible says they were wicked, “corrupt sons who did not know the Lord.” They were warned as to what would happen. They twisted their privileges in order to satisfy their flesh. Eli did not discipline his sons properly. When he tried to correct them they totally disrespected him. They displayed that same disrespect towards God …. They had established a pattern of sexual abuse that needed to be broken. But look, on the other hand Hannah had dedicated her first born son Samuel to the Lord. Samuel came up in the very same household along with Eli’s sons. Hannah had brought him to Eli. Samuel at a very young age ministered before the Lord and grew spiritually. Despite what was going on about Samuel, the Lord intervened and he grew in “stature, and in favor both with the Lord and men.” (For more details of this narrative read I Samuel 1-3) What a contrast.
If you want to break a cycle of abuse, dysfunction or addiction, you have to do something differently than what you are already doing. If your “helping is not helping then you are not helping.” Addiction needs to be replaced with a healthy productive activity. It is important that we help subsequent generations not to fall prey to these destructive behaviors. DON’T continue to sweep things under the rug. The enemy always tries to subvert and corrupt what God intends. Absolutely nothing gets by God! Sexual sin is not a new problem. There is power in the blood of Jesus! Let’s really begin to ask and seek the Lord’s direction “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.” All of God’s Word is true!
Less seminars, workshops, programs and more practical application of God’s Word implemented within our daily lives. All too often when issues arise God’s way for resolve is totally disregarded. Less excuses such as “Nobody’s perfect.” Yes, this is a truism; but God tells us to continue to strive for His perfection! Perfection according to Webster means: 1: the quality or state of being perfect: as a: freedom from fault or defect : flawlessness b: maturity c: the quality or state of being saintly 2 a: an exemplification of supreme excellence b: an unsurpassable degree of accuracy or excellence3: the act or process of perfecting. God’s perfection brings wholeness. God would not tell us to do something if it were not possible. To be a Christian means to commit to live in the WAY that pleases God!
God really is able! Marriage and the family were created by God from the very beginning. It was originally designed so that He would be the central theme of our existence. Since He created us He really does know what is best. He gave us healthy boundaries so we could learn discipline. So remember what He says in Jude: “But, dear friends, remember what the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ foretold. They said to you, “In the last times there will be scoffers who will follow their own ungodly desires.” These are the men who will divide you, who follow mere natural instincts and do not have the Spirit…
God intended that your physical sexual needs were to be met within the confines of the “undefiled marriage bed.” Otherwise it is like “fire outside of the fireplace.” God loves you so much that He allows you the freedom to choose. It is evident that many choose to do “their own thing.” But, are the consequences really worth it? Think about it! Everywhere you are He is, everything you do or have done, He knows! There is a very significant security available to you when you choose to make His will and WAY your primary concern! Repentance is possible but first one must recognize that there is sin. Sin is missing the mark. Take some time to get refocused. A conscious that is sensitive to God is precious. You can be set free from any addiction. God has called us to live differently. He has given us healthy boundaries in order to properly satisfy any personal needs which can be experienced within the sanctity of marriage. He can fill that void.
God always has a better way but too often the ways of the world have taken His place. Healing and restoration are possible. Take some time for a spiritual cleansing. Seeking Him through His Word one really can find rest and peace for the wearied soul. God has left us a marvelous wealth of knowledge and examples within His Word to help us to avoid the pitfalls and consequences of partaking in fulfilling the lusts of the flesh. Read the writings of the Song of Solomon its beauty and honesty shows a balanced contrast to the sexual perversions of this age.
Begin being consistently accountable to someone for your actions and developing self control which is part of the Fruit of His Spirit. Someone who has healthy boundaries and knows the importance of not walking in the flesh but walking in the Spirit. Prayer and fasting are valuable tools. You can rededicate your life to sexual purity. You really can experience a growing healthy self esteem as a result of walking closer to the Lord.
I realize that this subject will not win a popularity contest. It may even cause a few jaws to drop. But at this point I have come to the conclusion that it is much more important “what Gods knows rather than what people think.” Especially when you know that He knows there is “no secret agenda.” My intentions are to shed Light where the darkness continues to keep the people of God and those in the world trapped in its snare. Christ lived a sinless life to overcome sin in the flesh for us! He died a painful death on the cross for us so we could live differently. Too many are more concerned about protocol rather than who to call. Help Me Lift His Holy Name! To God Be The Glory!