Marriage: Caring Enough To Listen=Communication – Part 2

January 23, 2012 by  
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Caring Enough To Listen=Communication
(Part II)

An emotionally safe marriage establishes a foundation of trust. Your partner is supposed to be your helpmate. Someone to help and encourage each other to improve. Someone to tell you when you are wrong. Someone to allow you some space, or room to think when needed. Someone to learn to love you the way God defines love. Marriage was meant to be a safe place to grow spiritually, mentally and emotionally. This is why God has given us healthy boundaries. Jesus died so we might truly experience God’s love. God is the only One that really knows how to love unconditionally. This is why it is important to consult Him often. No one is ever right about everything. Life is too short. God is quite clear about some things. Choosing to do otherwise will always cause some type of conflict. Our lives are supposed to be centered around God and His principles. It is very important to personally study and know His Word! When you know that you have stepped outside of those boundaries. Repent! Get back on track! If you have an addictive nature get help! God is able to keep you from falling! Never want to be right just for the sake of being right. This only hinders your relationship as well as your own personal growth.

Do not seek out someone to support you when you are wrong. This is one of the biggest problems in relationships. There are too many people who are willing to support wrong. This may give you some immediate self gratification. But in the long wrong it really just weakens you and will eventually erode the moral fibers of your relationship. You really are being the bigger person to simply just admit when you are wrong. It is not always an issue of right or wrong. Sometimes you just do not agree. Sometimes you just feel quite strongly about something. But it has not manifested in a way that you can explain it or define it. This is when patience is developed. In its abstract stage just wait until “a little more paint gets on the canvas”. This is why your relationship with the Lord is so very important! God really does know, in His time He will help you and guide you, when you allow Him. Remember His idea of Marriage is having a “helpmeet”. That has not changed. It is very important that you develop your personal intimate relationship with the Lord. Trusting Him will further help you to effectively communicate to your spouse or whoever.

If trust has been broken it is vitally important that you immediately make it a top priority to do whatever is necessary to begin to restore it. Don’t wait or put it off any longer, and let it continue to fester and ferment. This will become cancerous and further help to erect an emotional barrier. This greatly hinders intimacy. Remember intimacy helps you to be transparent. To openly say how you feel, what your needs are and how you deal with those needs is not always easy. But you must start. Quite often in life one has been hurt. They have been abused emotionally and or physically. Barriers have been erected. Unresolved issues are really the root cause of a lot of emotional outbursts. In some cases this can also hinder your ability to develop a strong healthy deep marital relationship. To fill that void in many cases you will just develop a lot of surface unfulfilling non threatening shallow relationships. Or you become a people pleaser. You often go along with the majority even when it goes against what God has said not to do. If this is the case you really lose who you really are. If you do not stand for something you will fall for everything. Did He not say “Don’t be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of your mind”? God does not want you to change like a chameleon just for the sake of acceptance. Nor does He want you to keep your hurts locked inside. God wants to transform you from inside out and help you discover a healthy balance. Pray and ask Him for direction or to place someone in your path to help you. Then listen and trust God. Learn how to respond differently. God really does know what has happened, is happening and will happen. If this has been the case start by opening up to Him. Remember God already knows. God is Omniscient! He knows everything. He is there for you and He really does want to help you become all that He created you to be.

Jesus came that we might be free. Not free to say and just do anything. Not free to dibble and dabble into any and everything of the world. He wants you to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. But free to live your life to please God. In many instances Biblical concepts have actually been laid aside and secular ways and very worldly social methods have been embraced and taken a stronghold. The ways of the world have become accepted and are quite commonplace within the Church. Lord help us! God wants to help you have a quality existence. God really can make a difference in your life and marriage. God will allow whatever you have been burdened by to lift. His yoke really is easy and His burdens are light. God is Omnipotent. Ultimately everything is under His control. He has all power! When you are burdened down by anything begin to commence to learn to give it to Him. How do I do this? By taking responsibility for your part and giving the rest to Him. God is more than equipped to handle what we cannot. Remember He created us therefore He knows all our limitations. He is just waiting for you to submit to His will and way. Then just wait on Him. Waiting can be hard. It is also an opportunity to grow spiritually and acquire patience. God has promised to supply all of our needs. Don’t always think carnally when it comes to your needs. God is more than enough and has healthy ways to fulfill all our needs. It is important to know as well that God has put in all of us a void that only He can fill. You can count on all of God’s promises!

As you grow spiritually you begin to mature. This will help you to develop as the person God intends you to be. God knows where you are but He does not want you to stay there. This also may require you to walk alone sometime. But know with God, you are really not alone at all. He did not leave us alone here on earth to be tossed to and fro. His Holy Spirit can fill you in a way that nothing or no one else can! When you allow Him to fill that void that only He can fill you will never have to feel lonely again. Nor do you have to carry any burdens alone. As you learn to trust Him you learn to lean on Him. He is able to anchor you! Jesus Christ carried the burdens of the world for all of us! You owe this to yourself as well as to your spouse. As you react and respond to them in a way that pleases God you help them as well as yourself. This will help you to point the finger properly. Meaning whenever you properly point the finger, remember the biggest finger points back at you. Always remember to check yourself as well as the person you are putting in check. Here is an opportunity for spiritual growth. This encourages them and reflects the spiritual benefits acquired by spending time with God. Remember as a help meet you want them to be all they can be for the Lord. You want them to break free of whatever strongholds they are shackled by. You want them to grow spiritually, mature and learn to give whatever hinders them to the Lord as well. Ultimately this is our purpose in life. It is not to please man; But to please God. Living to please God will help you immensely. As a matter of fact it is really easier.

Man looks from the outside. Too often what is temporal (temporary) is the focus. What is eternal is much more important. Take personal inventory and see how much you are caught up in superficial stuff. Too often worship becomes banal and ritualistic. God is put on a quick time construct. Too often the ways of the world are adopted and given more priority. Your goal should really be to live so that when you pass through this life, God will not be a stranger when it is time to meet Him face to face. This does not at all mean you live in a “fantasy religious zone”. God really can direct your path. He also wants us to enjoy life despite the serious situations that arise from time to time. God knows and looks at the heart. God is so very awesome! He really does know just what you need and when. He really does want you to have a rewarding and fulfilling marriage. You cannot change anyone. But when you submit to the Lord He can and will help you to change. This is true of anyone that is willing to submit to Him. “God is not a respecter of persons.” This in turn will strengthen your inner spiritual life. You will begin to reflect the brightness that God’s internal Comforter provides. This also makes way for a balanced life. Any seasonal disappointments, trials, situations, past or current issues that arise will not define what the sum total of your life is all about. God wants to be included in every area of your life. Remember He is Omnipresent! God will help you rise to each of the challenges life presents and see you through each and every one of them. God wants to be the captain of your soul! His peace surpasses the understanding of man!

Communicating with the Lord is very important. Meditating on His Word is important. Applying what you are learning is crucial. As you spend time with Him He will help you to communicate effectively with your spouse. Take time to listen to your spouse. Then take some more time to listen to God. Remember it is necessary to listen attentively and objectively in order to hear. Be willing to make whatever changes that are necessary to take responsibility to improve your part in the relationship. God is able, willing and ready to help you. God is always just a prayer away……

Hopefully you now have a better understanding of the basic principles of communication in marriage.

Next: See Developing Intimacy

Think Before You Have Sex Outside Of Marriage

Marriage is so much more than just an idea! A high-quality satisfying marriage requires Love, Commitment and good open Communication! Make it a point to understand what your spouse is relaying to you. Repeat back to them what they are saying if you are not sure what they mean! You can either build or tear down with your words! Take the time to listen and understand one another. This does not mean that you will always agree! The goal is to understand where they are coming from and what their perspective is and how do you continue to go forward together! Marriage is about continually refining and improving your relationship!

It is important to build good healthy secure marriage boundaries! Pray for and with your spouse! Be careful from whom you seek counsel! Many marriages have failed due to poor communication and unwise counsel! When seeking an objective opinion or wise counsel to resolve conflict it is important that you present the facts… or distinguish that this is how you feel! It is important for each of you to take responsibility for your part in the marriage! Marriage was designed by God to be the ultimate partnership of love between a man and a woman! “HIS LOVE endures Forever!”

Whoever you join yourself together with becomes a part of you more than you might know! If you have had multiple partners take some time and allow the Lord to heal and restore you before rushing into another relationship! Take some time to recollect yourself and think on a deeper level as to what you really want out of a relationship! It is easier to continue to just change partners rather than develop a deep monogamous lasting relationship! Many instead opt to maintain a surface, superficial relationship. This usually leaves one unsatisfied and never really allows true intimacy to develop… STOP GIVING YOURSELF AWAY! GOD CAN refresh and renew you!

Be careful and selective who you join yourself together with! A man deposits his DNA into the woman that can possibly linger for a lifetime! You actually bond together… There really is nothing casual at all about sex! Many don’t consider what is really happening beyond just getting their sexual needs satisfied! A surge of oxytocin from the brain makes a woman want to have sex and bond. A surge of testosterone from the brain makes a man want to have sex but possibly be done with you once its over! Again, Stop giving away parts of yourself and begin to respect yourself! Save yourself until you want to make a total commitment! (Please be sure to see video below!)
Spend quality time in the Word of God discovering firsthand what He has said about marriage! I personally am in favor of God’s Design for Marriage! It really can work!

Many today engage in physical and or emotional affairs… This does not have to be! Many do not think about how hazardous this is for their marriage! Open marriages breed insecurity! Infidelity is very dangerous in marriage! It bonds you with someone other than your spouse! This actually weakens your marital bond! It also fosters an unhealthy unstable marriage environment of doubt, distrust and insecurity…

Due to the fact that the societal expectation for marriage has substantially lowered the moral standards, this now renders infidelity as more acceptable! Make it a priority to tenderly and sincerely fulfill one another’s physical needs so there is not a need to go outside of your marriage to just have sex! You are not only cheating your spouse, your so called lover, but yourself as well! Someone will be hurt! Affairs are rampart today but can be avoided when you are sensitive to one another’s needs! You also honor The Lord and the vows you made! Continue to flame the embers of love in your marriage! Rekindle the initial attraction or build a new one! Set aside some time and openly discuss ways to improve your communication, deepen your intimacy, build transparency and enhance your love making rather than look outside of your marriage to get your physical needs met… Now each time you come together and give of yourself to one another you reinforce the marital bond! So please “Think Before Sex Outside of Marriage!”

Previously married partners have a tendency to fall back into sexual relationships because they have bonded before! They are familiar with one another and have connected physically and often have unfinished issues between them. This is also why it is important to think before you give yourself to someone because they become a part of you! Momentarily they set aside their differences to have sex. However the commitment is no longer there! As adults you can always choose to do whatever you want but remember there are always consequences for those choices!

If you are single and seeking to marry it is important to know that once you have become physically intimate outside of marriage it is harder to be objective! It is quite common today but so is divorce! For many it doesn’t matter because after all we are adults… Not really realizing that it can cause inner conflict as you prematurely bond without being committed to one another… There is a magnetic sexual attraction that occurs that often yields you powerless. Remember what I said earlier about bonding! I suggest putting off the physical relationship until you have married and have truly committed to one another… If things don’t work out you have not given more of yourself away! This also exercises discipline! First really take this time to get to know one another better before you plunge into another relationship… Consider waiting and take the time to build a physically satisfying physical relationship once you have made your vows!

Since you are single you are in a good position because you can look forward to finding a spouse that you are compatible with! Don’t just settle for anyone out of loneliness! You no longer have to compromise yourself! Find healthier ways to fill your void! While you are waiting and anticipating that right someone, present your requests to The Lord! He has promised to meet your needs! You cannot change anything that has happened but you can move forward! Work on strengthening and improving yourself… In the meantime begin to release any guilt or shame! So you can enter a new relationship fresh and with less baggage! You must be realistic and be wiling to grow along with this spouse you desire! Spend time with The Lord and allow Him to guide you in this area! Stay open to His leading and be patient! “And my GOD WILL meet ALL your needs according to HIS glorious riches in CHRIST JESUS” Philippians 4.

Right now you want to make sure that you find out more about this person that you want to commit to! You both need to share many facets of your lives with one another… Actually you should do this before you give yourself to someone anyway! It can be devastating when you find yourself committed to someone who is not committed to you! Too many become unequally yoked! They often hastily marry and find out after the fact that they are not on the same page about most things and share very few of the same values… This could prevent a lot of divorces if you posed certain questions before you say “I DO!” Don’t just hold out on sex to entrap someone… This is a part of divorce proofing your marriage and building a firmer foundation! A high quality marriage is built on much more than just physical attraction! After all you will have the rest of your life to learn how to physically enjoy one another…

You will need to take some time and have a “spiritual cleansing” if you have been physical outside of marriage!” Together out of respect for the Lord seek His face and ask Him to bestow His Blessings upon your marriage! Start anew! “Having sex outside of marriage is like fire outside of the fireplace! “But if we walk in The LIGHT, as HE is in The LIGHT, we have FELLOWSHIP with one another, and The BLOOD of JESUS HIS SON PURIFIES us from ALL sin…” I JOHN 1. There is WONDER working POWER in The BLOOD of JESUS! He CAN transform your life and BLESS your marriage! When you are married it’s different The WORD teaches us that the “Marriage Bed is undefiled!” HEBREWS 13. Marriage is honorable in the eyes of The LORD!

Sin is rampart throughout this world! It also separates us from God! As we grow in His Grace we should sin less…. The world says it doesn’t matter if you are married or not? You can choose to marry whomever you want male or female? Those of us who believe in “Marriage God’s Way” are becoming fewer and fewer! The world is desensitizing many more to God’s Design for Marriage and seducing them to compromise in order to be accepted! It is important to know that the spiritual warfare wants to continually separate us all from God our Creator & Maker and His purpose He created each of us for! Marriage between man and woman is considered to be “Holy Matrimony” in the eyes of God! To many marriage is no longer holy!

Now look! Think about it! It is not by coincidence that marriages and families are breaking up left and right! Splitting and splitting again and again… As I mentioned earlier currently an excess of 55% of marriages end in divorce! What’s the problem? Many are bailing out because they want to try something different… Many have married without really getting to know the person they have married! Please do not get involved with someone on the rebound! The statistics are even higher for second and third marriages! No wonder the world at large is experiencing so many natural catastrophes and economic trade devastation this world is going backwards…

Having affairs has become glamorized and many are continually lowering their standards and have been seduced and don’t even know it! Having sex is no big deal… Hollywood has now become the standard model for marriage for many. It is possible that you are considered old fashioned and somewhat narrow minded when you do not go with the current flow! There is nothing outdated about loyalty & commitment! Be committed to what you know is right even if it means for a season you must stand alone!

Although the Recession has passed and we are somewhat recovering, it is an indication that the world is going backwards! Things will never be the same. Bur yet we have been here before! History repeats itself… All the signs are continuously becoming apparent again! New era same relational dynamics! Many are restless, tired, lonely, dissatisfied, discontented and seeking fulfillment in life! Looking in all the wrong places… “What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again, There is nothing new under the sun…” Ecclesiastes 1. We can learn a lot from The Word of God! Right before the flood everyone was doing what was “right in their own eyes!”They too did not want to do things God’s Way! You listen to the news and everyone else so please take some time and personally ponder upon what God says about marriage! After all He is The Creator of marriage! So why not check out His Word! Don’ just take second hand information when making such serious decisions! Here you can discover who really is the true source of life and living! Believe it or not God is The Creator of man and woman and I think He knows what is best for us! He sees way down the road! As a matter of fact He sees everything! ”

Build healthy personal boundaries and respect your marriage vows as well as the marriages of others! If you are not sure please don’t make them… If you are married, it is not too late to make it a point to water your marriage with love, caring, peace, tenderness, loyalty, fun, respect, understanding and yes excitement! When you sincerely pray together, embrace godly principles you can stay together! Invite God into the center of your Marriage! Together you can give your marriage an overhaul if needed! You have the POWER to together design and write your own script, then proceed to make it happen… You can’t help but see that way too many marriages are in trouble! Too many marriages and families are breaking up… Make your marriage a priority! “What GOD has joined together let NO man or woman put asunder…” So please; THINK Before Sex Outside of Marriage!

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