Why most marriages don’t last?
Make building a compassionate strong loving marriage a priority
You are considering getting married. Wow how exciting! Many marriages in this 21st century don’t last. A few things to think about.
Please don’t go into the marriage thinking that you will be able to change each other. There are many resources available when planning your big day. For those of you who have never been married before, you must allow for a period of adjustment once married. Living with someone is not the same as dating or being married. You have not really made a total commitment and you realize that you can opt out at any time…
After the honeymoon period is remain patient. When you hit a kink see this as an opportunity to take your marriage to a deeper level. It is during this time you need to work together rather than pull farther apart. MAKE it a point to keep you marriage exciting.
A great marriage takes two committed spouses
If you have not married; please do not manipulate your potential spouse into a relationship. If you do it will be an ongoing dynamic in your relationship. You should genuinely care for this person and desire to grow together. You want to encourage transparency in order to build a strong secure marriage. Before marrying really have some candid and open discussion as to how you would like things to be in order to see if you are on the same page! Don’t just assume?
It is a good to find out more about what each other likes and dislikes. Are you a morning person? Do you sleep with socks on? Do you snore? Are you patient? Do you yell scream and cuss to get your way? Do you rant and rave or manipulate? Or do you sulk and stay quiet, remote cold and inexpressive? Do you think that you should have everything that you want when you want it? Do you want your spouse to do everything for you and be waited on hand and foot and you do very little in return yourself? Or do you like to talk things through… Do you quit when the going gets tough?
It is the seemingly little things that add up and lead to arguments. It is easier for some to say how they feel when they are angry. Learn to be open and honestly discuss how you are feeling. Don’t make sorry a sorry word. Chill out and warm up to one another. It really is better to say “I am hurting.” Don’t let pride and insecurity dominate your marriage. How else will you settle your disputes if you do not take the time to responsibly communicate with each other? Wait until you have cooled off or can talk without being hostile. Please do not think that by not talking about issues they will go away; they won’t!
A great marriage will last for a lifetime
Now that we have discussed some of the not so good things we can move towards what it takes to build a better marriage. You sit down at work and discuss whatever the problem is, right! Why? Because work is a priority and you do not just opt out of your job when things are not going your way! It is important that you like and respect one another in marriage even more so! Why? Because you say you love this person!
You love them enough to get to know them better. You like them enough to care about their well-being. You care enough to develop loyalty in your marriage. Make sure to have a weekly marriage date. This does not mean you have to always go somewhere. It could just be a quiet relaxed evening committed to spending quality time together It is important not to lose sight of this or you will just take one another for granted and improving the marriage will no longer be a one of your top priorities.
Make your marriage a priority
Life is about priorities. Take time out to tend to the people and things that are important to you! Marriage is the ultimate relationship between a man and a woman. If your marriage is going to last you have to make a conscious effort to work at it. Keep the embers of love burning to keep it exciting. Do interesting and adventurous things together!
You want to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship between you as well. Coming together physically as one should be a special . This is a time of sharing and caring. A time to experience a time of euphoria together. You can experience unity when you freely give of yourselves to one another. Create a loving environment. You keep the embers burning by being affectionate and caring towards one another.
Each couple is different so together build what works for you. It is okay to have your physical needs met so there’s no reason to be ashamed. Take time to focus on one another s physical needs. How often or few or when is between the two of you. The marriage bed is honorable in the eyes of the Lord.
Take care of your marriage
Tend your marriage as you would a lovely well kept garden. Make your marriage a top priority. Take care and tend it as you do everything else that is important in your life. Take a look around your home it is a reflection of how you feel. For example; If you leave your clothes lying all over the place and hang them up whenever you want to guess what? If you are selfish and insensitive and don’t really care what happens, guess what? Be attentive, respectful and thoughtful towards one another.
Preventive maintenance is the key. Each marriage is different and each marriage is what you both make it. If you want to make it better and if you want to improve start improving you! Stop neglecting yourself and only fixing yourself up for everyone else or when you go to work, go out or attend worship. Men are visual and so are women. Change for the better not the worst! Do you take care of yourself like you did when you were dating? We are older; no! Still no excuse. Age like a fine antique. Or do you just throw yourself together now because after all you are married to him or her so what! You should take care of your self to the degree you did when you came together or better. Strive to become the “BEST YOU” at any age.
Marriage can be a wonderful experience of growing with the one you love it can lasts for a lifetime. When you truly invest yourself in your marriage it becomes a priority. Keep GOD as the CENTER of your marriage. After all you did make a vow to HIM as well. Make it a point to get better not bitter. You truly can continually refine your relationship.
True Love lasts throughforever
Make it a point to keep your marriage and your spouse happiness a priority. You can still enjoy the company of friends and loved ones. But don’t let everyone else but your spouse know what is going on with you and how you are feeling about you or them! Again, I cannot say this enough; Keep one another and your marriage a priority.
True Love lasts through forever. You both desire what is best for one another and you want one another to be the “Best You” you can be with one another by your side. This is true when God is in the center of your marriage. You want and desire your marriage to last. Happiness is a choice. You can’t make them happy but you can contribute to creating an intimate, loving, caring, warm, transparent, stable, mutually inviting environment where both of you can continue to grow and flourish together and make a beautiful fragrant bouquet that says “I LOVE YOU!” Now and through FOREVER!
Why Most Marriages Don’t Last!
In the Sacramento Area you can find many interesting stories about couples that are indicative of what is happening everywhere all over the globe! Many couples are going through! But don’t be discouraged. Help is on the way!
A great marriage really is definitely possible. Marriage requires love, commitment, patience and lots of work! Counseling is an alternative that helps and it can enhance your marriage. But your goal must be to work through the kinks in the marriage rather than let them persist. If you wait until your problems are seemingly insurmountable it will take some time to plow through your relationship dynamics!
There are times when counseling is sought just as a last resort! You simply attempt to appease one another and are trying to buy some time… When this is the case; by the time the couple goes to counseling the problem is so bad that they just want to find out which spouse is responsible for their marriage problems? They are often just seeking support and approval to justify why they act or behave in the manner in which they do? The fact of the matter is your communication skills are lacking to the point you have lost some of your objectivity.
You now need or desire a neutral third-party to help you see if you can revive the marriage and get it back on track?
You can and should also incorporate the Bible as wise counsel in your marriage. Not in a rigid legalistic manner but in a way to enhance your marriage! It is important that you marry someone who values the same life principles! However if this is not the case you can still consult the Lord’s Word! There is some superb, really great “stuff” in the Bible that many are not aware of! I mean this in a complimentary way! There are some great love stories as well as excellent examples of tests and trials. The Lord never intended for any of us to be unhappy and disappointed all the time… I suggest that you to go to Galatians 5 and learn the differences between the works of the flesh and the Fruit of His Spirit!
Please, don’t just read the Bible you must actually implement the principles into your own personal life and marriage. It is not wise to use the Word to manipulate or hurl insults upon your spouse! After all the Lord KNOWS what He is talking about!
If you have a friend that is having marital conflict encourage them to seek helpful ways to resolve it! It is important to respect your marriage as well as the marriage of others! When asked for advice make it a point to be objective! Don’t experiment on their marriage and suggest things that are harmful rather than constructive! Help them look at the situation from all angles! Sometimes a listening ear is all that is necessary to sort through the problem. Never support abuse on any level in anyone… Learn to be a better friend by encouraging them to do what is right!
What is so interesting is that as adults you can do as you please! That is, unless you simply have no self-control yourself and are rather compulsive. In that case you just cannot restrain or discipline yourself and you freak out at the slightest little thing! If this is the case you need to put yourself in check and seek out getting some professional help! By the way prayer really does work!
Please if you know that your spouse has a short fuse don’t try to purposefully set them off! This does not mean that you are to be a doormat! Choose your battles wisely don’t encourage abuse or dysfunction in yourself or anyone else. Don’t be an enabler!
So why can’t you make a decision to work out your problems? It’s because you have opted to go the way of the majority or just “do your own thing!” You can simply do what makes you feel good instead at the expense of your spouse? Live together and really be miles apart! But is it really good for you or your marriage! No! That’s called being selfish! At this point, the marriage has become more about “you” rather than about “us!” It’s my house, my car, my money, my furniture my name my, my, my… Somebody has a bad case of “Me”ness! No wonder you are in such a quandary! You have now or will be joining the not happily ever after club soon! That is unless you decide to make your marriage a priority! So get busy!
The first step for getting your marriage back on track is taking responsibility for your own actions! Stop behaving as though you are in the relationship by yourself! It is called being considerate! Your spouse is neither your servant nor parent! They are supposed to be your partner… Start treating your spouse the way you would like to be treated for starters! Celebrate your marriage! Encourage one another and if necessary encourage yourself like King David! Don’t let anyone steal your JOY! If you have get busy getting it back!
Why most marriages don’t last Part 1
It is important to make your marriage a top priority!
Marriage statistics ending in divorce continue to rise! Why is that? Spouses listen to everyone else except one another. Their marriage is no longer the top priority it once was. They desire to please their friends, relatives, neighbors, coworkers and sometimes congregations rather than one another or GOD!
You do not have to live on an island. You must continue to strive to improve and refine your marriage!
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having good friends. Just don’t try to be like your friends. Especially if they are not married. Be original! If you notice you look different because you are different. Your temperaments are different and you like different things. So why is it when it comes to your spouse you listen to them rather than to one another. When you decided to get married you became a team. Or rather you should learn to commit to be partners in life. Build a great marriage and encourage those who are married to do the same. Encourage those who are single to cleave to the Lord as they seek to be married….
Hopefully you did not get married to make each others’ life difficult. Or to get someone to take care of you. You can do badly all by yourself. Or because you felt you were getting older and the clock was winding down or simply because everyone else was married? Or just because! Hopefully you got married because you want to give and share of yourself within the sanctity of a committed monogamous growing relationship. To experience the greatest partnership between one man and one woman designed by God.
Think about it for a moment. Why did you get married? Was there a goal to accomplish something? You have two eyes, two ears, two lips, two hands, two arms, two legs and two feet. They actually work together in pairs better! If one can’t do something the other one will… Well when it comes to marriage you should work together with your spouse as well. Two working together can accomplish much and often much more than one! If you do not desire to work together then don’t get married. Or perhaps that is why you no longer want to be unmarried? You want to try something else or someone else? You want to give of yourself in a relationship were you both have the same basic principles and morals; here you are on one accord….
Many change partners like they are changing a pair of shoes! Fearful of being transparent and taking the time to really get to know your spouse you flee. Or you simply don’t open up to them and you two just coexist as strangers! Or listen to unwise, ungodly counsel or advice… Quite often everyone else knows what is going on before either of you. Your friends have become your confidants and you wouldn’t dare share TRUTH with your spouse. Well! That’s part of the problem!
Help for marriages
Marriage is not about keeping secrets from your spouse. It’s about sharing who you are and growing and improving yourself as well as encouraging your spouse… To remain committed when there is turbulence and then together learn to soar above it! In a good marriage when you truly like one another you become friends as well as partners! It is better to be open and honest up front rather than waste time year after year dodging the Truth.
If you have been married before please take some time in between marriages and get rid of the extra baggage. If you don’t it will soon become part of your current marriage and you will recycle the same ole junk! You can’t change what has happened but you can go forward and do some things differently…
What is so interesting marriage was really designed by God to be the ultimate relationship between one man and one woman. Two become one! Being together is a desired choice and you vow and commit to grow together and become partners for life. You made a commitment to honor God within your marriage? Or did you? Or until… Well nowadays people stay married as long or as short as they can tolerate one another and something better comes along? So they think? The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence! It must be tended, fertilized and cared for to stay green and healthy! The grass is greener where it is watered, fed and taken care of’
Few really understand what true love is! “GOD IS LOVE” God is eternal and so is His love!
Love becomes optional to some in marriage and it is no longer the key adhesive that keeps the marriage together. This really is not love at all. Respect and commitment are secondary as well! This is “Intoxicating affections” that simply mimic God’s love. They don’t last!
Proverbs has many warnings against the perils of having sex outside of marriage! Today in this 21st century sex outside of marriage is widely practiced and encouraged! Adultery is when someone is married and has sex outside of marriage. Adultery was considered a crime punishable by death at the time of this Proverb. Some countries are still adamant about adultery being a crime. Here in the United States the moral principles are constantly being relaxed and redefined, many are being desensitized to what is morally right in the eyes of God…
I ask that you listen attentively to what Solomon is saying in this wonderful Proverb! Remember we are talking about someone who had many wives and concubines! Here he candidly shares the many pitfalls of adultery. Sexual immorality can be dangerous! Pornography is a growing form of adultery it too is destroying many marriages! Extramarital relationships for many is a chosen lifestyle, many consent to open marriages… The multitude of people with STD’s = sexually transmitted diseases and HIV are rising! Adultery destroys trust in the marriage, hinders intimacy and erodes the stability of the family. Sexual immorality goes against the laws of God!
Learning about the pitfalls of sex outside of marriage can be helpful! Knowing and keeping in mind the consequences before it is at your doorstep can be a powerful deterrent and a dose of preventive therapy. Know that adultery is a sign of weakness. You are not able for whatever reason to keep your commitment, that you made to your spouse as well as to God! Sad but true adultery is practiced by many within the body of the Church! When someone is indulging in adultery they have set aside their Christian Principles and are “walking in the flesh.” According to Galatians 5; “Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries…”
Did you know that whomever you join yourself to becomes a part of you? Please think long and hard before you go here. Or if you are here or have been here; please seriously think about repentance and not repeating this! There are lasting consequences. I often use the illustration of “epoxy!” It is a formidable thermosetting polymer! Notice how the two components are packaged separately. There is an almost unbreakable convalent bond that takes place once the two cohesive components join together! They are known as structure adhesives! Once they come together it is almost impossible to separate one from the other without some type of damage… Sex outside of marriage creates an emotional bond to someone other than your spouse. There is something much deeper that takes place during the exchange of bodily fluids… So much so it can result in the beginning of a new life! This is another reason why God does not sanction sex outside of marriage!
Solomon is relentless in his quest to relay the message of not getting involved with an adulteress! He goes so far to say “Keep to a path far from her; do not go near the door of her house.” The Scripture is clear that adultery is a sin! I find it interesting in John 8 the story of the woman who participated in adultery! Jesus is greeted by a group while teaching in the Temple! A group of religious leaders come to Him with a woman that is “caught” in adultery! “they said to Him. Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery the very act…” The Law of Moses commands that this woman be put to death… Deut 22. Why was the woman alone? Surely she was caught with someone? The leaders were really only interested in condemning only the woman? Jesus with all His unlimited Wisdom knew their thoughts… As He begins to write down on the ground all the men leave! Makes one wonder what He wrote? One by one from the oldest to the last they disperse until Jesus is left alone with only the woman! He then asks her “Woman where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you? She said “ No one, Lord” And Jesus said to her “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more…”
Many conclusions can be drawn from this story! Jesus did not condemn the woman but nor did He let her off the hook! The guilty leaders all left when Jesus asked “He who is without sin among you, let him throw the stone at her first.” Adultery is a sin that not only impacts those who physically take part in it, but those who they are associated to them as well. It weakens the marital bond and allows deception, insecurity and mistrust to become components of the relationship. Adultery weaves a wicked web around those involved, spiritually blinding them. This is true whether the adultery is real or emotional! One should ask is it worth the price? Or are you so weak that you cannot resist its temptation? The Word says “if you resist the devil he will flee…” Jesus can give you the strength to resist! But one must repent and be willing to turn away then as Jesus said: “GO and send no more!”
Key Verse: “Let your fountain be blessed, And REJOICE with the wife of your youth!” If you have ever read the Song of Solomon you will discover here how Love, physical and emotional intimacy between a husband and wife are encouraged and honored! Here in this Proverb much is said to discourage adultery. So much so that it tells you to RUN from it! There are many who live to seduce and entrap one into the snare of adultery! Only because of their own insecurity there is a need to cause others to stumble> Then justify their own inability to commit! It is not wise to risk what you have built in a marriage for an illicit affair! Many families, homes, ministries, honor, respect, integrity and working relationships have been destroyed due to adultery! Be careful not to be overtaken by this overwhelming temptation…
One can take heed to the wisdom of Solomon to avoid the numerous consequences! Please start by reading this Proverbs through slowly and absorbing the “spiritual nuggets.” Build an affair proof marriage! Sexual fulfillment is an attainable goal in marriage. The “fresh water” in Proverbs is a metaphor that describes the beauty of fidelity, commitment and trust in marriage! In the eyes of God the “marriage bed is undefiled!” There is nothing shameful about sex within the context of marriage. There should be a desire to seek comfort in the arms of one another! Each spouse has a responsibility to each other to come together and lovingly create a mutually satisfying sexual environment! Remember to keep in mind what God’s description of love is in I Corinthians 13!
Love, transparency, commitment, good open and honest communication and sexual fulfillment are key ingredients in a strong happy marriage! They are also good deterrents to safeguard against adultery! It is important to keep the embers of love burning in your marriage! A nice warm toasty fire within a fireplace is relaxing and inviting. Sex outside of married is like fire outside of a fireplace. It’s dangerous it will burn your house down! Those who have been faced with adultery must struggle with some very painful issues. Anger, Abandonment, Emotional Pain, mistrust and betrayal are results of adultery. If you have repented of adultery this is not to open up old wounds. Use this as an opportunity to solidify trust, cling to the Lord and embrace God’s Grace! Praise Him for restoration Victory!
Healthy boundaries are important in the work place, and yes within the Church! Adultery does not have to be! God truly is able “to Keep you from falling!” But in the event that it does happen it takes an enormous amount of work to rebuild a new trusting relationship with healthy boundaries! In order for restoration to take place the couple must seek to find out what caused the infidelity? What patterns need to be broken? What emotions need to be healed? What steps need to be taken in order to move forward! Avoiding discussion about what has happened will not serve to heal. Sad but true, By not confronting what has happened, it is almost certain it is highly possible it will happen again. Denial is a big NO here! To move forward towards “affair proofing” your relationship by spending quality time together, working through the issues and gradually building trust is necessary!
Adultery unfortunately is also a big headliner in today’s news! Many celebrities engage in adultery as well! Late night host, David Letterman is going through the pains of adultery… Tiger Woods the famous pro golfer is currently under the microscope for his alleged multiple liaisons. It is ever unfolding the multiple cast of participants that continue to surface and claim having had an affair with him… In this case wading through the perils of adultery are even harder. Tiger and his wife’s personal lives are magnified and examined in and on the news worldwide. All of this further creates even more pressure and continues to inflict pain on the two hurting hearts. Each spouse needs to evaluate and focus on their related issues. Can forgiveness override their pain? It is possible to restore trust and intimacy but it is a tedious journey. A solid biblical foundation makes all the difference in the world.
Solomon encourages husbands and wives to delight in one another rather than participate in adultery! Marriage is a beautiful life enriching union designed by God. Sex is a wonderful gift from God to be enjoyed! Plan a weekly date with one another and make sure you continue to “keep the fire burning, light the embers of Love! Try reading and enjoying the “Song of Solomon” together! The Bible is clear on the importance of keeping and honoring your marriage vows and remaining committed to one another! With God “All things are possible!” Adultery is about false love and is so very destructive, everyone who is involved ultimately gets hurt in some way or another… Adultery is an illusion of greener pastures! “What GOD has joined together let NO man put asunder!”
Solomon concludes this Proverbs: “His own iniquities trap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instructions, And in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.
GOD wants us to enjoy life. He wants us to live well rounded lives. He wants us to have healthy marriages & families. He wants to be a part of every area of our lives.
Entertainment for recreation and amusement purposes are a wonderful part of life. It balances out the seriousness of life and living! Our minds are given the opportunity to rest and journey into the land of imagination and creativity. Entertainment is healthy when done in good taste… Marriage on the other hand is not meant merely for entertainment purposes. It is one of the most serious relationships one can have. It is meant to be a ever growing beautiful lifetime relationship between a man and a woman. A great marriage should be built upon Love, Intimacy, Mutual respect, Integrity, Trust, and yes Sex. These marvelous attributes for marriage make up the great helpful acronym which = “L I M I T S!” These are healthy virtuous ingredients that are an important part of building a good marriage.
Life is serious and time is so very precious! How you spend the majority of your time is important! In marriage one should not become carried away into an unconscious state of oblivion and become out of touch with what is happening around them. It is not something to escape into because you are bored, are need somewhere to escape until you find something better to do… Many turn to marriage in order to just be entertained. Marriage is about learning how to give yourself to one another. Each spouse should become increasingly aware and sensitive as to how their spouse is feeling.
“L I M I T S”is a good acronym to remember for a lasting marriage! The desire to grow together and develop character is very important.
Marriage is the first institution that God designed! Making a sincere commitment to your marriage is one of the most important decisions you can make in life. When God made Adam He made him both male and female. He took Eve out of Adam to be by his side. God is so wonderfully awesome! It was His intention to provide Adam with a compatible helpmeet to satisfy together their desires for companionship. Marriage is the ultimate partnership where two together can spiritually, physically and emotionally have there needs mutually met.
Marriage is a unique covenant agreement. Marriage is ordained by God. God intends for your marriage to last for a lifetime.
Purchase a copy of “Holy Matrimony: Now That We’re Married” to read more!!
God can direct you in your marital relationship. The adversity He allows is to help us build integrity. From this day forward make a sincere attempt to improve your relationship with your spouse. Take a moment and see where you are. Is your relationship headed in the right direction? Ask your self do you really want your relationship to improve?
God really intended for marriage to last for a lifetime. The scriptures clearly tells us “what God has joined together let not man put asunder”! Asunder; means to not let anything pull you apart or separate you. Why do we so very often fail to seek God’s advice when seeking a mate? We instead allow our feelings and emotions to often guide us in a direction that leads to a futile destiny. In our haste for companionship we can often make commitments that really should not be. Many often marry on the rebound. Loneliness and/or rejection can compel one to enter into a relationship too soon! Hurt and pain can hurl you into a relationship to escape rejection and loneliness. Swept away and blinded by an over whelming sometimes even sensual infatuation we fall heart first into marriage. Many will fall prey to what I choose to call temporary or “intoxicating affections”. Its symptoms merely mimic true love! All too often once the blinders come off you find yourself saying “what have I done?”
Purchase your copy of “Holy Matrimony:Now That We’re Married” to read more….
Intimacy is an important ingredient in a strong fulfilling marriage. Intimacy involves transparency. There is no true intimacy without being truthful with one another. It involves growing to the point you can allow your intimate personal defenses to rest. You are able to allow your spouse to inhabit the depth of your being. Together you intimately caress the intangible you. You together grow to the point you are freely able to become vulnerable. The walls come down. A pathway to the heart is established.
Marriage should consist of an ever increasing, warm endearing closeness. After all your spouse should be closer to you than anyone else. Remember the two shall be one flesh.
Don’t confuse intimacy with sex. Many people have sexual relationships and never experience intimacy. Life’s lessons can be…..
Purchase your copy of “Holy Matrimony:Now That We’re Married” to read more….
NEXT: Chapter 6 – When You Have Been Married Before
Marriage is a partnership. It is meant to be a relationship where two imperfect individuals come together that share a common bond of love. This bond is ideally meant to last “to death us do part”, for a lifetime. Many people never anticipate what it’s really like to live with someone.
Marriage is more than spending a few days together or a week or two. It should last a lifetime. Often initially the infatuation is so strong the two of you almost feel invincible. Often the couple is oblivious to the reality of it all. Thinking that their feelings will make up for their differences. Yes, differences you will have, but that’s normal. It is how you decide to resolve those differences that are important. When reality sets in they realize “I didn’t think about this or that”. Who does what? When and how often?
You wake up one morning and wonder……..
Purchase your copy of “Holy Matrimony:Now That We’re Married” to read more…..
NEXT: Chapter 5 – What About Sex And Intimacy